Life is good

Yeahhhhh Saturday was awesome! In the morning I went to a tag sale with one of my friends - I relish simple things like this now because in the past I had every excuse possible to avoid friends and activities that took me away from my drinking. Everything was such an effort.

I had lunch with another friend and his children and he gave me a beautiful necklace that has the serenity prayer on one side of the pendant and the unity symbol on the other.

And then to top it all off, in the evening I went to a recovery center with a friend. It’s a place that is open to everyone on Saturday evenings for dinner followed by a three speaker meeting. It’s a beautiful setting out in the country on rolling acres of land. I can’t imagine a better place for the people staying there to get sober. Sure beats the La Quinta Inn - ha.

Today one of my closest friends celebrates her one year. She calls us the Bobsey Twins (I’m dating myself here) and another close friend celebrates on the 30^th. I’m so proud of us and so blessed to have these two women in my life. I’ll see them both tonight at my regular Tuesday night meeting.

364 Days

Tomorrow is one year!

I never thought I could stay sober so long.

I know we all only have today but I am so excited anyway. I have such a wonderful life now that I wouldn’t trade for anything.

This past year I went thru a divorce, I moved, saw my oldest graduate from high school and sent her off to college. My youngest two have adjusted remarkably to their new school and the fact that their parents are no longer together. And I did all of this sober. Without my old crutch, alcohol.

I might be on the pink cloud they talk about, but I don’t care.

I love, love, love my new life!!!

Speaker Meeting

I went to a speaker meeting on Sunday afternoon that I get to a few times a month. When I walked in the speaker-seeker asked me to share my story because the person scheduled had canceled at the last minute. My first response was, “But I've never done this before and I don’t have anything to say!” Then I told the man who asked that I had to ask my sponsor first since I hadn’t shared my story yet.

I texted and called her but she wasn’t answering and I had to make a decision fast so with the encouragement of my friends I said yes. I was so nervous that my hands were shaking. I feel intimidated sharing at large meetings how would I ever find enough to say for 20 or 30 minutes talking alone to all these people?

I silently prayed for guidance as I sat in the seat next to the chair and after he introduced me something remarkable happened. A feeling of calmness swept over me and as I looked out at all those friendly faces and I knew I was doing the right thing. The butterflies left my stomach and all the nervousness I had a few minutes prior was gone.

I spoke for 40 minutes. And I thought I didn’t have anything to say lol

I shared most of my story but there are a few things that are still raw and hurting me so I left them out. I shared my mistakes about early recovery and what I do now that helps keep me sober: prayer, meetings, working with my sponsor and working the steps. I know all the tools of the program are equally important but the one that helps me the most is my network of sober friends.

When I was finished I felt a new sense of belonging in the fellowship. And relief. A lot of people came up to me afterwards to thank me for sharing my story and to tell me how they related. I talked to a woman who was at her very first AA meeting and 24 hours sober.

Life is good.

Waiting For The Other Shoe to Drop

I had mentioned this to my sponsor before and I'm not sure what brought up the topic again recently but I told her about my fear of drinking if I ever face a tragedy in my life.

Despite all the past crap I’ve been thru and my whining about it here on my blog, sobriety has not been the struggle for me that it has been for other people. I was lucky that the obsession to drink was lifted from me early. I now recognize that I had my slip in April 2010 because I wasn’t working my program properly (no sponsor, no step work, not much of a network).

I’m not saying it’s been a breeze, because there have been days when I wanted to drink. But for the most part, my life is pretty good. I don’t have the stress of my marriage anymore, I am earning enough money to pay my bills and then some. My kids are happy and healthy and doing well in school.  I have friends for the first time in years.

But sometimes I worry how would I handle something bad.  What if I lost my job or someone I loved got sick or even worse.  Would I retreat back to my old escape?  Would I be able to cope with it?  My track record shows I have not dealt well with stress in the past and chose to numb myself instead of facing it.

My sponsor brought up a few good points. She told me that I have tools that I didn’t have last year. Oh yeah, the handy dandy tool box.  And then she said maybe this is my path in life.  Maybe I deserve to be happy and at peace.  Maybe God only gives people what they can handle.  Would He really do this for me despite all that I have done?  It’s an amazing concept.

Forgiveness

It’s been a busy week and I haven’t had a chance to write anything here. But what a week! I finished Step 4 and did Step 5 last week with my sponsor. And I told her everything. I never thought I would be able to do that. In fact, when I was new in sobriety and first heard about Step 5 and sharing with another person I thought, no way will I ever do that.

My sponsor couldn’t have been more loving and accepting. Her bottom wasn’t as low as mine and she did not do most of the insane things I did but she listened and seemed to understand. Going in, I knew she wouldn’t judge me, because she’s just not like that, but it was difficult to share parts of it with her because I was embarrassed.

I left our meeting learning a few more things about myself. I never considered myself an angry person but with the resentments I have towards a few family members I realize now that I am. I’ve always thought of anger as rage but that is not necessarily so. Mine is a deep, dark indignation that I’ve been holding onto and adding to for most of my life. It sits there inside of me and seethes eating at my soul.

My sponsor told me to pray for these people I hold resentments towards because they too might be sick like I am. It’s hard to do that and even though I’m not sure how sincere I really am about wanting to forgive these people (I’m just being honest here!) I have done as she asked. A brief prayer each day. So far my feelings have not changed but I have heard from others in AA that over time and with prayer I can learn how to forgive.

And because I desperately want to move on from my past and have a good life I am doing what I was told.

Part 5, I've Had Enough

In late Sept of 2009 I found out my husband was having an affair. He was acting different and more secretive than usual so I hacked his email. I shouldn’t have been surprised but I was shocked. I didn’t say anything to him for weeks. I knew there wasn’t much of a marriage left and also there had been a time when we had both openly had sex with other people. This felt different to me though, a betrayal.

What follows is only something an active alcoholic with no lucid thoughts would do. I emailed the other woman’s husband.  Anonymously of course because I thought the other husband would end the affair and my perfect little marriage would be saved.  Really, I thought this was a good idea at the time.

So I send off my anonymous email (it was easy to find out who they were by googling her phone number and where he worked) telling him that his wife was having an affair with (my husband’s full name). Why I ever thought that all three parties (my husband, his girlfriend and her husband) might think it was me that sent the email was baffling to me.

I watched the whole drama unfold in my husband’s email.   Drunk of course.   She told my husband that her husband had gotten a very strange email that mentioned his name and that the two of them were having an affair. The plan was that they were to deny the whole thing.

I guess the other husband wasn’t going to let this go so easily and that evening he called our home. (I guess they have google in his town too).

It was nasty and my husband was furious with me.   Later on he said, “How could you do such a thing and break up their family?” He actually said that (hello…. what about our family?)   And I actually felt guilty about that.

And of course the swinging was brought up and since I had my fun why couldn’t he have his. Huh? Who’s idea was it to start swinging?

A few weeks later my husband made a suicide attempt and spent 3 days in the hospital.  He had a lot of rage when he got out of the hospital and looking back I know I must have been truly awful to live with.  I was constantly drunk and he unable to get me to stop drinking.

In mid October of 2009 I went to a local AA meeting.  I was afraid I was going to die of alcohol poisoning.  I saw what my drinking was doing to my husband.   I could pretend that my children didn't know and while they might have never seen me pick up the bottle my behavior was atrocious.  My body was present, but my mind was not.  I was unproductive at work. The smallest task, like making my children breakfast before school was an enormous undertaking.

The amount of alcohol I was drinking kept increasing.  I couldn’t stop and I kept drinking more and more.  I didn’t vomit anymore so it was staying in my system. Not only was I blacking out, I was passing out.  I shook when I woke up in the morning after having sweated all night long.  Alcohol had taken over every cell in my body, every thought in my head. It consumed me and from the moment I woke up and until I passed out at night my very being revolved around alcohol.   Nothing else mattered.

But at the same time I was petrified that I was going to die of alcohol poisoning.

I sat in the back of the meeting rooms half listening and sometimes drunk.  I wanted to stop but I couldn’t. All I kept hearing after my sobbing shares about what a terrible life I had was, “Keep coming back.”  To be honest, I didn’t like that.  And I sure didn’t think AA was doing enough for me.  Where was the sympathy for what I was going thru?  I wanted them to join my pity party and validate my feelings.

On November 5th of 2009, after my husband found a bottle of 100 proof vodka (and for some reason that was what made him have enough "100 proof! I had no idea it was this bad!")  he handed me a suitcase and changed the locks on the front door.  He told me he was filing for divorce, taking custody of the kids and taking over the business. The gig was up and tomorrow morning I would leave.

The next day I went to a noon time meeting with my suitcase in the back of my car. I had no plan at that point but I was sober.  Possibly my first sober AA meeting.  I cried my eyes out all boo-hoo poor me stuff about how I had been kicked out of my house by my very mean husband and now I'd have to go live in a hotel indefinitely.  I didn't have a sympathetic audience at this inner city meeting.  A place where a lot of people struggled to put food on the table.  I don't think they wanted to hear about the woman who was crying about living in a hotel.

So I checked into the LaQuinta Inn.  No one knew where I was.  I certainly hadn't told my husband although he hadn't asked either.  I hadn't spoken to my mother or my sisters in a week or two.  And at that point I had no friends.

I have since learned that was a dangerous place to detox because I was alone (at the time I was so ignorant about this disease I didn't realize I was detoxing).

Mostly what I remember about those days is crying a lot and watching TV.   I prayed too.  Something I hadn't done in many years.  I was frightened and had never felt so alone. 

By day three I was missing my kids so much and I finally called my mother and told her where I was and that I was an alcoholic. She said, "Yes, I know that".  Wait a minute, she knew?  And I thought I had been so slick at hiding my secret.

Under the advice of my attorney brother in law I returned to the house. My husband let me back in stating that it was just temporary.

I wish I could tell you that we worked it out and we lived happily ever after but that was not to happen. He had already filed for divorce and all my begging and pleading (this is karma, payback, déjà vu just like when my first husband begged me to work out our marriage and I would not) would not change his mind. 

I also wish I could tell you that November 6 2009 was still my sobriety date but that was not to be the case either. On April 15 2010 I broke down and drank. Why? Probably because I was working my own program and not the AA program.  I went to a lot of meetings but had no sponsor, a very small network, and was not working the steps.  Thankfully it was only for one day and now I am glad it happened because it showed me that a drink is just an arm’s length away, that my disease wants me dead, and that I needed to get much more serious about my recovery.

I came to Alcoholics Anonymous to stop drinking but then I heard someone say it's not about my drinking, it's about my thinking. That I understood.

I did not lose custody of my children and I did not lose half ownership of my business. I still work with my ex husband and that can present challenges but for now I am handling that ok.

While I still hold some anger and resentment towards my exhusband I am also thankful that he had me leave our home in November 2009.   I haven't told him yet, but he saved my life.   It was the kick in the pants I needed to get sober.  I'm also glad to be out of that marriage.  I'm starting to see now that it was a very unhealthy relationship for both of us.

Today I have a sponsor who I call often and not because I have to but because I want to.  She is a tremendous amount of support and I will be eternally grateful to her for her kindness and patience and what she is teaching me.   My network of female AA friends has expanded, my sponsor gives me homework and I actually do it and like it, I read the Big Book often, go to a lot of meetings and am working on the steps.

I am learning that there is a merciful and loving God and just maybe he will forgive me for my sins.

I have something I haven't had in years: Hope.

I have something I don't ever think I had: Gratitude.

I know I have a long way to go and that's ok. I am starting to see how good life can be.

I feel free from the bondage of alcohol.

Part 4 Continued, It Gets Even Worse

I started drinking more often and sometimes alone. Not every day but every few weeks I'd buy a bottle of wine and get drunk alone.  If my husband and I went out I always got drunk.   He always drove and never questioned it.   Sometimes he was drunk too but never like I was. 

I was dying inside, I had no God in my life, few friends. I was isolating myself from my mother and sisters because I was so ashamed of myself.    Then I got pregnant and my husband was livid.  He said it couldn't be his and he would find out who the father was and sue him for child support. I don't know how he thought he could do this as there were so many men. Also, the baby surely could have been his. He agreed to raise the baby but he would have a DNA test done and we would find out who the father really was.

One of the lowest points in my life was the day I walked into the abortion clinic.  At the time it seemed like the solution.  How could we raise a baby that might not be my husband's?  How would he treat this child?  How would I explain to the world that the father might not be my husband?  What damage might I have done drinking before I knew I was pregnant?  I lied to my husband and told him I miscarried.  He didn't question it, or the day I spent out of the house, or the time I spent in bed afterwards in pain as my baby died inside of me.  I got drunk the next day.  Very, very drunk.  I contemplated suicide but didn't have the guts to follow thru.  We never discussed the “miscarriage” and to this day I’ve never told anyone.  I will soon as I start Step 5 with my sponsor.

The hole in the donut was getting bigger and bigger.

My husband was angry when I told him I wouldn't work as a prostitute anymore. He told me that I better find another job before I quit what I was doing.  But I was so scared that I might get arrested, I feared being hurt by one of these strange men, I worried that someday my children would find out what their mother did for a living.  I felt so worthless and hopeless, and constantly had this dreadful fear that something bad was about to happen.  Little did I know at that time that my life had to get worse before it could get better.  I had yet to reach bottom.

Today as I am writing this and thinking back to that time I wonder why either of us thought this was a good idea? Why did I cower when he became angry at me for refusing to sell my body anymore? I still have a lot of anger towards him about allowing his wife to do that. But I know deep down inside I can’t blame him because I did it of my free will. He never forced me. But still there is that resentment.  But I am mostly angry at myself . I’m so pathetic to do something like that to please him. To think that I couldn’t find a better job where I wouldn’t lose what little self esteem I had left.

I didn’t find another job first. Soon after I deleted the photos from my website and shut it off. I threw out the prepaid cell phone I had used for making appointments. I was done. My husband didn’t say much about it. I guess he saw that I wasn't caving on this decision.

I didn’t want to do it, but with little job prospects I started working with him at his business. Not that it was going well at first as he had only started it a year ago  but we had managed to save a lot of the money I earned and it freed up some of his time to expand the business, we learned to put our two heads together and work towards a common goal.  In some ways it seemed like maybe, finally, I was getting my life on track. I did enjoy the work and it helped my self esteem to know I was contributing to society and my family’s income in a moral, legal, and positive way.

The swinging parties continued and by then I was getting drunk most Saturday nights. It didn’t bother me at all that my husband was sleeping with other women. There was a part of me that just didn’t care anymore.

Fast forward to the spring of 2008. We had started another business together (the previous one had made no money and we were forced to try something else)  and it was going well.   We were making good money! My home life seemed to be about the same, hubby was still at his porn, but no longer pestered me about going to swingers clubs.    But inside of me I felt dead. I was consumed with self loathing and shame. What I had done was not only immoral, it was illegal.   And I committed murder.

There is a lot of crap that I am leaving out. I don’t even know if anyone is reading this blog and some of the things that happened are not directly related to my alcoholism just more bizarre, crazy, nonsense that I felt sometimes would never end.  Like my husband’s foray into cross dressing and how he thought he might be bisexual for a while.  Thankfully he never acted out on it, at least not to my knowledge.

He also suffered from depression off and on throughout our marriage and while it was not the chronic, constant kind like I had, when he went thru his bouts he got very low.  A lot of times it happened in the winter so maybe he suffers from SADD.  Once he talked of suicide and I was so was so worried and scared for him, for all of us. I begged and pleaded and told him how much he was needed and loved and how the kids deserved to have a father and how our lives would forever change if he were out of it. He wouldn’t go to a doctor or therapy and he was better within a few weeks. And then years later, towards the end of my drinking, he had a suicide plan that involved a gun. The police brought him to the hospital and the doctors signed him in for 3 days against his will.

It was at this time in the spring of 2008 that I crossed the line between heavy drinking and not being able to stop. The next six months were a spiral downwards to a living hell.

I would stay up late and drink alone.  I’d vomit and swear never again and be back at it the next night.

Then I started drinking earlier and earlier each day and sometimes stayed in the bathroom in the morning after my shower chugging down wine or vodka in order to start my day. I went to my kids’ school functions and soccer games under the influence. I drove in the car drunk. I drove drunk with my children in the car.

By then the alcohol was playing havoc with my emotions. Sometimes it made me feel less stressed but more often it was making me severely depressed.

In Sept of 2008 I tried to kill myself.  My husband found me in bed with a plastic bag tied around my head. Thankfully he was there and for that I am forever grateful.  I guess it was not my time.  The next day he took me to the hospital (why not that night is a whole other story) and we met with people in the behavioral health department.  I had to talk to social workers, nurses, doctors.  They took vital signs and blood tests and asked a battery of questions.  Finally: "Do you drink alcohol?"  As I was ready to say no, a voice inside me said to spill it out and tell the truth.  I knew I needed help.  What I remember most about that night was the look of shock on my husband's face when I told the nurse that I had been drinking heavily and almost daily for months. Still to this day I don't know how my husband didn't know I was drinking, you would think he would have smelled it? I don't know.

They let me go home and suggested I go to therapy and or AA.  I went to a therapist, minimized the drinking, and whined about what an awful husband I had  (I never told her about any of the real issues that weighed heavily on my mind: the childhood abuse, the incest, the prostition or the abortion).  She told me I wasn't an alcoholic and had just abused it probably because of my relationship problems.  That's all I needed to hear.  See, I wasn't so bad after all.

For the next year I continued to sneak drink and by that time my preferred drink was vodka. Mostly the gallon plastic jugs so I never ran out.   Every so often hubby would find my hidden stash, I'd promise to quit, and instead just found better hiding places.

We fought a lot and sometimes slept in separate rooms. I didn't want to stop. Alcohol was my new best friend and no way was I giving up that. So round and round we went for another year of me drinking and him finding out.  Broken promises from me, threats of divorce from him.