I ended up marrying the guy I had an affair with about 8 months after we met. He was the opposite of my first husband: grounded, reliable and financially secure. But as I would soon find out that cliché about the grass being greener is so not true.
A few months into marriage #2 I found out that my husband was viewing a lot of online porn. I was devastated because I compared myself to those women and knew I could never look like them. It made me feel so inadequate. He promised to stop viewing it. He did not. Maybe he couldn't?
I got pregnant and we had a son. Two months later we had a surprise and found out I was pregnant again. We had a daughter. I want to add here that despite all the drama/chaos/insanity I have created in my life I am the blessed mother of 3 beautiful children all of whom are happy, healthy, well adjusted and doing well in school.
The divide between my husband and I was getting wider. I was resentful of his lack of affection and porn use and he was angry about my snooping and nagging. I was so desperate for love and attention and I wasn't getting it from my husband. Sometimes I felt like I was married to my father and in many ways we assumed a parent - child relationship. He made a lot of the decisions and I agreed to them. Partly because I didn’t like arguments (I have always and still am bad at handling confrontations) but also because it was just easier to not have to make decisions. He had some similar personality traits to Dad, ones from the onset I had admired, but the distant, unemotional side of him was difficult for me to accept. I was depressed and I felt doomed. I wanted so badly for this marriage to work out. What kind of a loser gets divorced twice? What was I doing wrong that I was so unhappy again in a relationship?
I started obsessing about the porn and all kinds of thoughts flooded my head. What if he took it too far and met someone from the internet? He was becoming quieter and more secretive so my snooping just increased.
One night after he was asleep I took his keys, drove to his office (he owned the business), and went onto his computer. The stuff there was more graphic then what he had viewed at home but what amazed me most was the amount of time he spent looking at it. I mean, if someone is horny, and they choose to look at porn, they get off on it and then they are finished until the next time, right? This was hours and hours per day. He was an early riser and usually left home at 5 or 5:30 am and I just assumed it was to get a head start on his day. But every morning for 2 or 3 hours until his employees showed up the computer history showed him on all kinds of porn websites.
At one point I considered suicide and I remember clearly that night sitting alone in my kitchen after everyone had gone to bed pouring out a bottle of over-the-counter sleep medication into my hand. I put the blue pills in my mouth and then spat them back into my hand. Something stopped me from swallowing them.
I went to therapy for my depression and was prescribed anti-depressants. It took a few months to find the right medication and dosage but they did eventually help. Things at home really weren't much better but the talk therapy helped me to see that I really didn't have control over what my husband did. But I did have control over what my reactions were. It also helped me to realize I was very co-dependent too.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
My Story, Part 2 Teens and Twenties
When I graduated from high school with mediocre grades and all my close friends were headed off to college I decided to find a job in New York City. Heck no, I would not attend a community college as my parents suggested. We lived outside of New York in a suburb so it was an easy commute. I was lucky to have found a good job considering the only work experience I had was part time retail during high school and a few months as a bank teller.
But it was the mid 80's before the stock market had crashed, the economy was good and Wall Street was hiring.
It didn't take long for me to find the happy hour crowd at the office and Friday evenings were bar hopping around downtown Manhattan and in the South Street Seaport. A lot of places did not ask for ID, and I think wearing a suit and being with older co workers there might have been an assumption that I was of age. I'm not really certain why but it was rarely was I asked for proof of age.
Alcohol was my social lubricant. I was no longer the shy girl no one noticed. It made me feel
prettier, smarter, funnier, more at ease. My friends thought it was funny how I could flirt with men and laughed at my antics. So different than the girl they knew in the office.
In the present day I try not to romanticize drinking because it’s not a type of thinking I can have anymore but those times for me were fun. Yeah I did a lot of stupid things when drunk but I was out in the world, away from my childhood home and actually did do a good job at work.
I worked at the same company for a few years and was offered a promotion if I could pass a test. It was brutal and I had a hard time studying and taking the prep classes needed to pass the exam. The first time I took it I failed by 1 point, the second time was even worse. I think I failed by 10 points. So I gave up and decided to look for a new career. Not that they were going to fire me but I was so disappointed with myself for failing. Little did I know at this time it would only be the start of many jobs to come. And I dumped the boyfriend too, thinking I could do better. Wow, I was arrogant back then.
I was always looking for something better whether it was a new boyfriend, a better job and I am sad to say I even ruined friendships thinking it was time for new ones. I was restless, irritable and discontent.
I have always felt like there was a void in my life, even though I could never verbalize that. One of the first sayings I remember when joining AA was about the hole in the donut. Yes! That has been me for my whole life.
I soon got sick and tired of the commute, my failed career choices, bad choices in men. My drinking wasn't so bad back then but when I drank I drank to get drunk. Smashed, falling down, sometimes puking my guts out drunk.
I met my husband when I was 22 and he was 25. He was the opposite of my stern father. An ex frat boy, football player, life of the party kind of guy. At that time I felt that he was what I needed to feel good about myself. We were married within 14 months of meeting. My father passed away before I go married and while he didn't say much about it I had the feeling he didn't approve of my choice in a husband.
It wasn't a good match for a few reasons. I decided after getting married that the party was over. And without any kind of warning just assuming he would agree with me. It was time to settle down and act like grown ups. I wanted a husband who stayed home in the evening and spent a lot of time with me. I wanted a big house and social status.
But he had other plans and liked to go out after work with his friends and party all weekend. We disagreed on everything from finances to religion to the way to raise our future children.
We did have one child, a daughter, a few years after we married. I was still in my good girl phase and rarely drank. I was disgusted with my husband's out of control drinking so I think that played a big part in me not drinking as much. Besides I could never rely on him to drive as he was always drunk after any kind of social occasion.
8 years into this union I wanted out. I am ashamed to admit what follows next but I need to be honest here. I started acting extra bitchy, distancing myself from him and devising a plan to get a divorce all the while making me look like the good one. He knew something was wrong and would always ask how to repair the damage, begging at times to try and work it out. We tried marriage counseling (it was a sham as I had no desire to work it out). He promised to stop drinking but he couldn't. I had a feeling he was an alcoholic but at that point didn't know much about AA.
Then I had an affair.
He never found out but because things were so chaotic at home and I was uncooperative he filed for divorce. My daughter and I moved out and I continued the affair.
I really thought all of this was ok to do. I justified my actions thinking I had been wronged by marrying an alcoholic, irresponsible man. I deserved better! Boy, talk about selfish.
But it was the mid 80's before the stock market had crashed, the economy was good and Wall Street was hiring.
It didn't take long for me to find the happy hour crowd at the office and Friday evenings were bar hopping around downtown Manhattan and in the South Street Seaport. A lot of places did not ask for ID, and I think wearing a suit and being with older co workers there might have been an assumption that I was of age. I'm not really certain why but it was rarely was I asked for proof of age.
Alcohol was my social lubricant. I was no longer the shy girl no one noticed. It made me feel
prettier, smarter, funnier, more at ease. My friends thought it was funny how I could flirt with men and laughed at my antics. So different than the girl they knew in the office.
In the present day I try not to romanticize drinking because it’s not a type of thinking I can have anymore but those times for me were fun. Yeah I did a lot of stupid things when drunk but I was out in the world, away from my childhood home and actually did do a good job at work.
I worked at the same company for a few years and was offered a promotion if I could pass a test. It was brutal and I had a hard time studying and taking the prep classes needed to pass the exam. The first time I took it I failed by 1 point, the second time was even worse. I think I failed by 10 points. So I gave up and decided to look for a new career. Not that they were going to fire me but I was so disappointed with myself for failing. Little did I know at this time it would only be the start of many jobs to come. And I dumped the boyfriend too, thinking I could do better. Wow, I was arrogant back then.
I was always looking for something better whether it was a new boyfriend, a better job and I am sad to say I even ruined friendships thinking it was time for new ones. I was restless, irritable and discontent.
I have always felt like there was a void in my life, even though I could never verbalize that. One of the first sayings I remember when joining AA was about the hole in the donut. Yes! That has been me for my whole life.
I soon got sick and tired of the commute, my failed career choices, bad choices in men. My drinking wasn't so bad back then but when I drank I drank to get drunk. Smashed, falling down, sometimes puking my guts out drunk.
I met my husband when I was 22 and he was 25. He was the opposite of my stern father. An ex frat boy, football player, life of the party kind of guy. At that time I felt that he was what I needed to feel good about myself. We were married within 14 months of meeting. My father passed away before I go married and while he didn't say much about it I had the feeling he didn't approve of my choice in a husband.
It wasn't a good match for a few reasons. I decided after getting married that the party was over. And without any kind of warning just assuming he would agree with me. It was time to settle down and act like grown ups. I wanted a husband who stayed home in the evening and spent a lot of time with me. I wanted a big house and social status.
But he had other plans and liked to go out after work with his friends and party all weekend. We disagreed on everything from finances to religion to the way to raise our future children.
We did have one child, a daughter, a few years after we married. I was still in my good girl phase and rarely drank. I was disgusted with my husband's out of control drinking so I think that played a big part in me not drinking as much. Besides I could never rely on him to drive as he was always drunk after any kind of social occasion.
8 years into this union I wanted out. I am ashamed to admit what follows next but I need to be honest here. I started acting extra bitchy, distancing myself from him and devising a plan to get a divorce all the while making me look like the good one. He knew something was wrong and would always ask how to repair the damage, begging at times to try and work it out. We tried marriage counseling (it was a sham as I had no desire to work it out). He promised to stop drinking but he couldn't. I had a feeling he was an alcoholic but at that point didn't know much about AA.
Then I had an affair.
He never found out but because things were so chaotic at home and I was uncooperative he filed for divorce. My daughter and I moved out and I continued the affair.
I really thought all of this was ok to do. I justified my actions thinking I had been wronged by marrying an alcoholic, irresponsible man. I deserved better! Boy, talk about selfish.
Step 4
A few weeks ago my sponsor gave me worksheets so I could start working on Step 4. I still haven't started although I've read them over. I feel overwhelmed at what will follow in Step 5 where I have to spill the beans and tell her all of this crap.
It's all fear based and I guess I'm worried about her reaction to some of the insane things I have done in my past. She's so nice and normal and had a high bottom .... she didn't lose her marriage, job, family. She knows the basics of my story but I haven't told her any of the really bad stuff because I'm embarrassed.
I've heard over and over again in AA that I am only as sick as my secrets. And I've been warned that I have to do the program the correct way in order to stay sober. Not my way, taking little bits that are easier for me, but the way it was written in the Big Book. And Step 5 clearly states I have to share my complete story with someone.
It's all fear based and I guess I'm worried about her reaction to some of the insane things I have done in my past. She's so nice and normal and had a high bottom .... she didn't lose her marriage, job, family. She knows the basics of my story but I haven't told her any of the really bad stuff because I'm embarrassed.
I've heard over and over again in AA that I am only as sick as my secrets. And I've been warned that I have to do the program the correct way in order to stay sober. Not my way, taking little bits that are easier for me, but the way it was written in the Big Book. And Step 5 clearly states I have to share my complete story with someone.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
The Insanity Of My Disease
By the summer of 2009 I was a slave to alcohol. It had complete control over me and I was drunk more then I was sober.
One night after everyone was in bed I noticed all the wine I had purchased the day before was gone. (The boxed kind, cuz I was a classy girl). How could that happen? I looked at my watch and it was well after 11pm; too late to go to a liquor store.
I was feeling panicked as I always did when I was running low or out of alcohol. Then I remembered there was a six pack of beer hidden in my bedroom closet. I only had to slip into the room quietly, but open the closet door which was only feet away from where my husband slept.
Of course the door had to creak when I opened it. I waited and listened for his steady breathing before I quietly walked across the room and slid opened the closet door. I had to turn on the closet light to see as the hallway light was not enough.
He rolled over towards me and I quickly crouched down on the floor peeking up to see if he was awake. Thinking it was ok I rummaged thru the closet finding the paper bag with the six pack in it. I slipped the bag out and turned around. His eyes were open and he was looking at me. Ut oh.
He rolled over in bed and I quickly left the room wondering if he had seen me or if I had imagined that. No matter, I brought the beer downstairs and opened the first one. I didn‘t care that it was warm.
I don’t recall what happened after that but I’m sure I finished most if not all of them and slept on the sofa that night. I don’t think my husband said anything to me the next morning or it might have been one of the days he searched the house before I woke up and found hidden alcohol. Usually when he did he’d put the bottle on my desk (we both worked out of our house) saying nothing until the kids had left the house. That waiting time was pure agony as I’d pass by my desk and see the bottle waiting for what I knew would end as a screaming match once the kids left and were on the bus.
And on and on went this routine would go for several more months.
One night after everyone was in bed I noticed all the wine I had purchased the day before was gone. (The boxed kind, cuz I was a classy girl). How could that happen? I looked at my watch and it was well after 11pm; too late to go to a liquor store.
I was feeling panicked as I always did when I was running low or out of alcohol. Then I remembered there was a six pack of beer hidden in my bedroom closet. I only had to slip into the room quietly, but open the closet door which was only feet away from where my husband slept.
Of course the door had to creak when I opened it. I waited and listened for his steady breathing before I quietly walked across the room and slid opened the closet door. I had to turn on the closet light to see as the hallway light was not enough.
He rolled over towards me and I quickly crouched down on the floor peeking up to see if he was awake. Thinking it was ok I rummaged thru the closet finding the paper bag with the six pack in it. I slipped the bag out and turned around. His eyes were open and he was looking at me. Ut oh.
He rolled over in bed and I quickly left the room wondering if he had seen me or if I had imagined that. No matter, I brought the beer downstairs and opened the first one. I didn‘t care that it was warm.
I don’t recall what happened after that but I’m sure I finished most if not all of them and slept on the sofa that night. I don’t think my husband said anything to me the next morning or it might have been one of the days he searched the house before I woke up and found hidden alcohol. Usually when he did he’d put the bottle on my desk (we both worked out of our house) saying nothing until the kids had left the house. That waiting time was pure agony as I’d pass by my desk and see the bottle waiting for what I knew would end as a screaming match once the kids left and were on the bus.
And on and on went this routine would go for several more months.
Monday, February 28, 2011
My Story, Part 1 Childhood
I grew up in a home where neither parent drank. In fact, my father hated alcohol and didn't associate with his siblings who drank and rarely would he serve it in his house. If my mother had one drink a year it was a lot. My brother and sisters still to this day don't drink either. Then along came me.
Despite the alcohol free home there was a lot of chaos, some abuse and violence. My parents did not have a happy marriage, were always arguing and threatening divorce. They never did split up but I remember as a child being scared they would. Sitting at the top of the stairs late at night hearing the screaming matches and wondering which parent I would have to live with but mostly wishing I lived in a different family. I don't have that many happy childhood memories. Most center around my father's anger and my fear of him.
I should also add here that my parents were extremely religious and our lives were very church centered. I went along with all this as a child but would turn my back on God as a young adult.
I was on the shy side as a kid, was neither popular or disliked in school. More like a wall flower most people didn't notice. Often I felt awkward, unattractive, less then. But I had a small group of friends and always found myself angling a way to go over to their homes. Anything to escape my house. I was happiest when surrounded by my friends although I never once told anyone about anything that happened at home as I was too ashamed and recognized at an early age it just wasn't normal.
I had my first drink at age 14. A friend and I had gotten hold of a bottle of red wine and drank it together. I still remember that feeling today, 30 years later: a warm blanket wrapped around me spreading to my extremities and the fuzzy feeling in my mind. Relaxed, yet giddy. I loved it! I didn't drink much during my high school years mostly because I didn't have access to it. But when I did get a hold of it I usually drank to get drunk.
Despite the alcohol free home there was a lot of chaos, some abuse and violence. My parents did not have a happy marriage, were always arguing and threatening divorce. They never did split up but I remember as a child being scared they would. Sitting at the top of the stairs late at night hearing the screaming matches and wondering which parent I would have to live with but mostly wishing I lived in a different family. I don't have that many happy childhood memories. Most center around my father's anger and my fear of him.
I should also add here that my parents were extremely religious and our lives were very church centered. I went along with all this as a child but would turn my back on God as a young adult.
I was on the shy side as a kid, was neither popular or disliked in school. More like a wall flower most people didn't notice. Often I felt awkward, unattractive, less then. But I had a small group of friends and always found myself angling a way to go over to their homes. Anything to escape my house. I was happiest when surrounded by my friends although I never once told anyone about anything that happened at home as I was too ashamed and recognized at an early age it just wasn't normal.
I had my first drink at age 14. A friend and I had gotten hold of a bottle of red wine and drank it together. I still remember that feeling today, 30 years later: a warm blanket wrapped around me spreading to my extremities and the fuzzy feeling in my mind. Relaxed, yet giddy. I loved it! I didn't drink much during my high school years mostly because I didn't have access to it. But when I did get a hold of it I usually drank to get drunk.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
The fellowship
You've all heard it before, "it's not about your drinking, it was your thinking". Today, I so get that statement.
When I first arrived to AA I was seeking a cure, a way to drink without being a slush/slob/vomiting fool.
When I finally got serious and realized that I could no longer drink, I went thru a mourning stage of how much my life would suck (what a pathetic thought, my life totally sucked at that point!) now that I couldn't drink at all.
And when I had resigned to the fact that I could never drink again I accepted it and all the implications of how powerless I was over alcohol and how unmanageable my life was.
My sponsor kept talking to me about "tools for living" and at meetings I heard "practice these principles in all your affairs". In other words I could not just stop drinking but fix other areas of my life. And believe me, besides the drinking, I have all kinds of baggage and issues. It's a cool idea and I want a better life.
What I wasn't expecting was the friendships that I have made thru this program. Acquaintances, maybe. People I could relate to, yes. But now I have genuine, loving, accepting friends. That's my favorite part of AA. My new friends - I really love them!
At the end of my drinking stint I was very isolated socially. Actually the whole 10 years after I got married and moved out of state, I had a problem making new friends. I never felt like I fit in with the women I'd meet at work or thru my kids' schools. It was though they already had enough friends and weren't interested in more. It could have been just me but I've never had a problem making friends in the past.
Anyway, one of the many unexpected benefits of AA for me has been the friendships that I've made. And we do things besides go to meetings which is so great because I needed to learn how to go out and have fun without drinking.
When I first arrived to AA I was seeking a cure, a way to drink without being a slush/slob/vomiting fool.
When I finally got serious and realized that I could no longer drink, I went thru a mourning stage of how much my life would suck (what a pathetic thought, my life totally sucked at that point!) now that I couldn't drink at all.
And when I had resigned to the fact that I could never drink again I accepted it and all the implications of how powerless I was over alcohol and how unmanageable my life was.
My sponsor kept talking to me about "tools for living" and at meetings I heard "practice these principles in all your affairs". In other words I could not just stop drinking but fix other areas of my life. And believe me, besides the drinking, I have all kinds of baggage and issues. It's a cool idea and I want a better life.
What I wasn't expecting was the friendships that I have made thru this program. Acquaintances, maybe. People I could relate to, yes. But now I have genuine, loving, accepting friends. That's my favorite part of AA. My new friends - I really love them!
At the end of my drinking stint I was very isolated socially. Actually the whole 10 years after I got married and moved out of state, I had a problem making new friends. I never felt like I fit in with the women I'd meet at work or thru my kids' schools. It was though they already had enough friends and weren't interested in more. It could have been just me but I've never had a problem making friends in the past.
Anyway, one of the many unexpected benefits of AA for me has been the friendships that I've made. And we do things besides go to meetings which is so great because I needed to learn how to go out and have fun without drinking.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Starting and not finishing
I'm pretty good at starting projects and not following through to the end. As anyone reading this blog can see it's been more than 3 months since I made my first post here. But I don't want this journal to become another activity that goes undone.
I'm not sure what my main purpose is in writing this blog. Maybe no one will ever read it and it will simply be a rant about my thoughts and feelings about the many mishaps that have occurred throughout my life. Something that I can go back and reflect on as my recovery journey continues.
One thing I have heard thru my AA meetings is that I am not unique (and I really always believed I was!) I'm not the first person to abuse alcohol and have her life become unmanageable. Not the first to be a twice divorced wife.
But I have other secrets (and yeah I know I am only as sick as my secrets) that haunt and shame me.
I'm not sure what my main purpose is in writing this blog. Maybe no one will ever read it and it will simply be a rant about my thoughts and feelings about the many mishaps that have occurred throughout my life. Something that I can go back and reflect on as my recovery journey continues.
One thing I have heard thru my AA meetings is that I am not unique (and I really always believed I was!) I'm not the first person to abuse alcohol and have her life become unmanageable. Not the first to be a twice divorced wife.
But I have other secrets (and yeah I know I am only as sick as my secrets) that haunt and shame me.
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