My Story, Part 1 Childhood

I grew up in a home where neither parent drank. In fact, my father hated alcohol and didn't associate with his siblings who drank and rarely would he serve it in his house. If my mother had one drink a year it was a lot. My brother and sisters still to this day don't drink either. Then along came me.

Despite the alcohol free home there was a lot of chaos, some abuse and violence. My parents did not have a happy marriage, were always arguing and threatening divorce. They never did split up but I remember as a child being scared they would. Sitting at the top of the stairs late at night hearing the screaming matches and wondering which parent I would have to live with but mostly wishing I lived in a different family. I don't have that many happy childhood memories. Most center around my father's anger and my fear of him.

I should also add here that my parents were extremely religious and our lives were very church centered. I went along with all this as a child but would turn my back on God as a young adult.

I was on the shy side as a kid, was neither popular or disliked in school. More like a wall flower most people didn't notice. Often I felt awkward, unattractive, less then. But I had a small group of friends and always found myself angling a way to go over to their homes. Anything to escape my house. I was happiest when surrounded by my friends although I never once told anyone about anything that happened at home as I was too ashamed and recognized at an early age it just wasn't normal.

I had my first drink at age 14. A friend and I had gotten hold of a bottle of red wine and drank it together. I still remember that feeling today, 30 years later: a warm blanket wrapped around me spreading to my extremities and the fuzzy feeling in my mind. Relaxed, yet giddy. I loved it! I didn't drink much during my high school years mostly because I didn't have access to it. But when I did get a hold of it I usually drank to get drunk.

The fellowship

You've all heard it before, "it's not about your drinking, it was your thinking".  Today, I so get that statement. 

When I first arrived to AA I was seeking a cure, a way to drink without being a slush/slob/vomiting fool. 

When I finally got serious and realized that I could no longer drink,  I went thru a mourning stage of how much my life would suck (what a pathetic thought, my life totally sucked at that point!) now that I couldn't drink at all.  

And when I had resigned to the fact that I could never drink again I accepted it and all the implications of how powerless I was over alcohol and how unmanageable my life was. 

My sponsor kept talking to me about "tools for living" and at meetings I heard "practice these principles in all your affairs".  In other words I could not just stop drinking but fix other areas of my life.  And believe me, besides the drinking,  I have all kinds of baggage and issues.  It's a cool idea and I want a better life. 

What I wasn't expecting was the friendships that I have made thru this program.  Acquaintances, maybe.  People I could relate to, yes.  But now I have genuine, loving, accepting friends. That's my favorite part of AA.  My new friends - I really love them!

At the end of my drinking stint I was very isolated socially.  Actually the whole 10 years after I got married and moved out of state, I had a problem making new friends.  I never felt like I fit in with the women I'd meet at work or thru my kids' schools.  It was though they already had enough friends and weren't interested in more. It could have been just me but I've never had a problem making friends in the past.

Anyway, one of the many unexpected benefits of AA for me has been the friendships that I've made. And we do things besides go to meetings which is so great because I needed to learn how to go out and have fun without drinking. 

Starting and not finishing

I'm pretty good at starting projects and not following through to the end.  As anyone reading this blog can see it's been more than 3 months since I made my first post here.  But I don't want this journal to become another activity that goes undone.

I'm not sure what my main purpose is in writing this blog.  Maybe no one will ever read it and it will simply be a rant about my thoughts and feelings about the many mishaps that have occurred throughout my life. Something that I can go back and reflect on as my recovery journey continues.

One thing I have heard thru my AA meetings is that I am not unique (and I really always believed I was!)  I'm not the first person to abuse alcohol and have her life become unmanageable.  Not the first to be a twice divorced wife.

But I have other secrets (and yeah I know I am only as sick as my secrets) that haunt and shame me.

Where do I start?

I could start at the beginning but it seems so long ago and so complicated.  So I will start with today.

I now have almost 5 months as a sober alcoholic. I would have had 9 months except I had a slip. Or maybe a relapse. I'm not sure what you would call it but it was just one day.  Of course I regret it but after guilting over it for weeks, my friends in Alcoholics Anonymous told me to put down the bat, stop beating myself and move on.

It's the Friday before Labor Day and I don't have any big plans for the weekend.  I'm recently divorced and this is my weekend with the kids so no meetings.  I have to get a reliable, mature babysitter so I can get out to an occasional weekend meeting when I have the kids.  The last one I went to was Wednesday night so it's going to be Monday until I go. That is way too long for a newbie like me.

Which reminds me of the saying "Meeting Makers Make It".  So true I am sure.  I am starting to like the AA phrases because they are starting to make sense.

I always liked to drink, not so much for the flavor although there were some yummy concoctions out there. But mostly for the effect.  I still remember the first time I got drunk.   I was 14 years old and stole a bottle of red wine from my parents house.  It tasted nasty and I shared it with a friend although I am sure I had more than her.  I'll never forget that numb feeling that started in my limbs and worked it's way up to my brain.  And I loved it.

If only I could turn back the clock and warn that girl not to drink because that was the start of her alcoholism.