My Story, Part 1 Childhood

I grew up in a home where neither parent drank. In fact, my father hated alcohol and didn't associate with his siblings who drank and rarely would he serve it in his house. If my mother had one drink a year it was a lot. My brother and sisters still to this day don't drink either. Then along came me.

Despite the alcohol free home there was a lot of chaos, some abuse and violence. My parents did not have a happy marriage, were always arguing and threatening divorce. They never did split up but I remember as a child being scared they would. Sitting at the top of the stairs late at night hearing the screaming matches and wondering which parent I would have to live with but mostly wishing I lived in a different family. I don't have that many happy childhood memories. Most center around my father's anger and my fear of him.

I should also add here that my parents were extremely religious and our lives were very church centered. I went along with all this as a child but would turn my back on God as a young adult.

I was on the shy side as a kid, was neither popular or disliked in school. More like a wall flower most people didn't notice. Often I felt awkward, unattractive, less then. But I had a small group of friends and always found myself angling a way to go over to their homes. Anything to escape my house. I was happiest when surrounded by my friends although I never once told anyone about anything that happened at home as I was too ashamed and recognized at an early age it just wasn't normal.

I had my first drink at age 14. A friend and I had gotten hold of a bottle of red wine and drank it together. I still remember that feeling today, 30 years later: a warm blanket wrapped around me spreading to my extremities and the fuzzy feeling in my mind. Relaxed, yet giddy. I loved it! I didn't drink much during my high school years mostly because I didn't have access to it. But when I did get a hold of it I usually drank to get drunk.

The fellowship

You've all heard it before, "it's not about your drinking, it was your thinking".  Today, I so get that statement. 

When I first arrived to AA I was seeking a cure, a way to drink without being a slush/slob/vomiting fool. 

When I finally got serious and realized that I could no longer drink,  I went thru a mourning stage of how much my life would suck (what a pathetic thought, my life totally sucked at that point!) now that I couldn't drink at all.  

And when I had resigned to the fact that I could never drink again I accepted it and all the implications of how powerless I was over alcohol and how unmanageable my life was. 

My sponsor kept talking to me about "tools for living" and at meetings I heard "practice these principles in all your affairs".  In other words I could not just stop drinking but fix other areas of my life.  And believe me, besides the drinking,  I have all kinds of baggage and issues.  It's a cool idea and I want a better life. 

What I wasn't expecting was the friendships that I have made thru this program.  Acquaintances, maybe.  People I could relate to, yes.  But now I have genuine, loving, accepting friends. That's my favorite part of AA.  My new friends - I really love them!

At the end of my drinking stint I was very isolated socially.  Actually the whole 10 years after I got married and moved out of state, I had a problem making new friends.  I never felt like I fit in with the women I'd meet at work or thru my kids' schools.  It was though they already had enough friends and weren't interested in more. It could have been just me but I've never had a problem making friends in the past.

Anyway, one of the many unexpected benefits of AA for me has been the friendships that I've made. And we do things besides go to meetings which is so great because I needed to learn how to go out and have fun without drinking.