Yeahhhhh Saturday was awesome! In the morning I went to a tag sale with one of my friends - I relish simple things like this now because in the past I had every excuse possible to avoid friends and activities that took me away from my drinking. Everything was such an effort.
I had lunch with another friend and his children and he gave me a beautiful necklace that has the serenity prayer on one side of the pendant and the unity symbol on the other.
And then to top it all off, in the evening I went to a recovery center with a friend. It’s a place that is open to everyone on Saturday evenings for dinner followed by a three speaker meeting. It’s a beautiful setting out in the country on rolling acres of land. I can’t imagine a better place for the people staying there to get sober. Sure beats the La Quinta Inn - ha.
Today one of my closest friends celebrates her one year. She calls us the Bobsey Twins (I’m dating myself here) and another close friend celebrates on the 30th. I’m so proud of us and so blessed to have these two women in my life. I’ll see them both tonight at my regular Tuesday night meeting.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
364 Days
Tomorrow is one year!
I never thought I could stay sober so long.
I know we all only have today but I am so excited anyway. I have such a wonderful life now that I wouldn’t trade for anything.
This past year I went thru a divorce, I moved, saw my oldest graduate from high school and sent her off to college. My youngest two have adjusted remarkably to their new school and the fact that their parents are no longer together. And I did all of this sober. Without my old crutch, alcohol.
I might be on the pink cloud they talk about, but I don’t care.
I love, love, love my new life!!!
I never thought I could stay sober so long.
I know we all only have today but I am so excited anyway. I have such a wonderful life now that I wouldn’t trade for anything.
This past year I went thru a divorce, I moved, saw my oldest graduate from high school and sent her off to college. My youngest two have adjusted remarkably to their new school and the fact that their parents are no longer together. And I did all of this sober. Without my old crutch, alcohol.
I might be on the pink cloud they talk about, but I don’t care.
I love, love, love my new life!!!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Speaker Meeting
I went to a speaker meeting on Sunday afternoon that I get to a few times a month. When I walked in the speaker-seeker asked me to share my story because the person scheduled had canceled at the last minute. My first response was, “But I've never done this before and I don’t have anything to say!” Then I told the man who asked that I had to ask my sponsor first since I hadn’t shared my story yet.
I texted and called her but she wasn’t answering and I had to make a decision fast so with the encouragement of my friends I said yes. I was so nervous that my hands were shaking. I feel intimidated sharing at large meetings how would I ever find enough to say for 20 or 30 minutes talking alone to all these people?
I silently prayed for guidance as I sat in the seat next to the chair and after he introduced me something remarkable happened. A feeling of calmness swept over me and as I looked out at all those friendly faces and I knew I was doing the right thing. The butterflies left my stomach and all the nervousness I had a few minutes prior was gone.
I spoke for 40 minutes. And I thought I didn’t have anything to say lol
I shared most of my story but there are a few things that are still raw and hurting me so I left them out. I shared my mistakes about early recovery and what I do now that helps keep me sober: prayer, meetings, working with my sponsor and working the steps. I know all the tools of the program are equally important but the one that helps me the most is my network of sober friends.
When I was finished I felt a new sense of belonging in the fellowship. And relief. A lot of people came up to me afterwards to thank me for sharing my story and to tell me how they related. I talked to a woman who was at her very first AA meeting and 24 hours sober.
Life is good.
I texted and called her but she wasn’t answering and I had to make a decision fast so with the encouragement of my friends I said yes. I was so nervous that my hands were shaking. I feel intimidated sharing at large meetings how would I ever find enough to say for 20 or 30 minutes talking alone to all these people?
I silently prayed for guidance as I sat in the seat next to the chair and after he introduced me something remarkable happened. A feeling of calmness swept over me and as I looked out at all those friendly faces and I knew I was doing the right thing. The butterflies left my stomach and all the nervousness I had a few minutes prior was gone.
I spoke for 40 minutes. And I thought I didn’t have anything to say lol
I shared most of my story but there are a few things that are still raw and hurting me so I left them out. I shared my mistakes about early recovery and what I do now that helps keep me sober: prayer, meetings, working with my sponsor and working the steps. I know all the tools of the program are equally important but the one that helps me the most is my network of sober friends.
When I was finished I felt a new sense of belonging in the fellowship. And relief. A lot of people came up to me afterwards to thank me for sharing my story and to tell me how they related. I talked to a woman who was at her very first AA meeting and 24 hours sober.
Life is good.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Waiting For The Other Shoe to Drop
I had mentioned this to my sponsor before and I'm not sure what brought up the topic again recently but I told her about my fear of drinking if I ever face a tragedy in my life.
Despite all the past crap I’ve been thru and my whining about it here on my blog, sobriety has not been the struggle for me that it has been for other people. I was lucky that the obsession to drink was lifted from me early. I now recognize that I had my slip in April 2010 because I wasn’t working my program properly (no sponsor, no step work, not much of a network).
I’m not saying it’s been a breeze, because there have been days when I wanted to drink. But for the most part, my life is pretty good. I don’t have the stress of my marriage anymore, I am earning enough money to pay my bills and then some. My kids are happy and healthy and doing well in school. I have friends for the first time in years.
But sometimes I worry how would I handle something bad. What if I lost my job or someone I loved got sick or even worse. Would I retreat back to my old escape? Would I be able to cope with it? My track record shows I have not dealt well with stress in the past and chose to numb myself instead of facing it.
My sponsor brought up a few good points. She told me that I have tools that I didn’t have last year. Oh yeah, the handy dandy tool box. And then she said maybe this is my path in life. Maybe I deserve to be happy and at peace. Maybe God only gives people what they can handle. Would He really do this for me despite all that I have done? It’s an amazing concept.
Despite all the past crap I’ve been thru and my whining about it here on my blog, sobriety has not been the struggle for me that it has been for other people. I was lucky that the obsession to drink was lifted from me early. I now recognize that I had my slip in April 2010 because I wasn’t working my program properly (no sponsor, no step work, not much of a network).
I’m not saying it’s been a breeze, because there have been days when I wanted to drink. But for the most part, my life is pretty good. I don’t have the stress of my marriage anymore, I am earning enough money to pay my bills and then some. My kids are happy and healthy and doing well in school. I have friends for the first time in years.
But sometimes I worry how would I handle something bad. What if I lost my job or someone I loved got sick or even worse. Would I retreat back to my old escape? Would I be able to cope with it? My track record shows I have not dealt well with stress in the past and chose to numb myself instead of facing it.
My sponsor brought up a few good points. She told me that I have tools that I didn’t have last year. Oh yeah, the handy dandy tool box. And then she said maybe this is my path in life. Maybe I deserve to be happy and at peace. Maybe God only gives people what they can handle. Would He really do this for me despite all that I have done? It’s an amazing concept.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Forgiveness
It’s been a busy week and I haven’t had a chance to write anything here. But what a week! I finished Step 4 and did Step 5 last week with my sponsor. And I told her everything. I never thought I would be able to do that. In fact, when I was new in sobriety and first heard about Step 5 and sharing with another person I thought, no way will I ever do that.
My sponsor couldn’t have been more loving and accepting. Her bottom wasn’t as low as mine and she did not do most of the insane things I did but she listened and seemed to understand. Going in, I knew she wouldn’t judge me, because she’s just not like that, but it was difficult to share parts of it with her because I was embarrassed.
I left our meeting learning a few more things about myself. I never considered myself an angry person but with the resentments I have towards a few family members I realize now that I am. I’ve always thought of anger as rage but that is not necessarily so. Mine is a deep, dark indignation that I’ve been holding onto and adding to for most of my life. It sits there inside of me and seethes eating at my soul.
My sponsor told me to pray for these people I hold resentments towards because they too might be sick like I am. It’s hard to do that and even though I’m not sure how sincere I really am about wanting to forgive these people (I’m just being honest here!) I have done as she asked. A brief prayer each day. So far my feelings have not changed but I have heard from others in AA that over time and with prayer I can learn how to forgive.
And because I desperately want to move on from my past and have a good life I am doing what I was told.
My sponsor couldn’t have been more loving and accepting. Her bottom wasn’t as low as mine and she did not do most of the insane things I did but she listened and seemed to understand. Going in, I knew she wouldn’t judge me, because she’s just not like that, but it was difficult to share parts of it with her because I was embarrassed.
I left our meeting learning a few more things about myself. I never considered myself an angry person but with the resentments I have towards a few family members I realize now that I am. I’ve always thought of anger as rage but that is not necessarily so. Mine is a deep, dark indignation that I’ve been holding onto and adding to for most of my life. It sits there inside of me and seethes eating at my soul.
My sponsor told me to pray for these people I hold resentments towards because they too might be sick like I am. It’s hard to do that and even though I’m not sure how sincere I really am about wanting to forgive these people (I’m just being honest here!) I have done as she asked. A brief prayer each day. So far my feelings have not changed but I have heard from others in AA that over time and with prayer I can learn how to forgive.
And because I desperately want to move on from my past and have a good life I am doing what I was told.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Part 5, I've Had Enough
In late Sept of 2009 I found out my husband was having an affair. He was acting different and more secretive than usual so I hacked his email. I shouldn’t have been surprised but I was shocked. I didn’t say anything to him for weeks. I knew there wasn’t much of a marriage left and also there had been a time when we had both openly had sex with other people. This felt different to me though, a betrayal.
What follows is only something an active alcoholic with no lucid thoughts would do. I emailed the other woman’s husband. Anonymously of course because I thought the other husband would end the affair and myperfect little marriage would be saved. Really, I thought this was a good idea at the time.
So I send off my anonymous email (it was easy to find out who they were by googling her phone number and where he worked) telling him that his wife was having an affair with (my husband’s full name). Why I ever thought that all three parties (my husband, his girlfriend and her husband) might think it was me that sent the email was baffling to me.
I watched the whole drama unfold in my husband’s email. Drunk of course. She told my husband that her husband had gotten a very strange email that mentioned his name and that the two of them were having an affair. The plan was that they were to deny the whole thing.
I guess the other husband wasn’t going to let this go so easily and that evening he called our home. (I guess they have google in his town too).
It was nasty and my husband was furious with me. Later on he said, “How could you do such a thing and break up their family?” He actually said that (hello…. what about our family?) And I actually felt guilty about that.
And of course the swinging was brought up and since I had my fun why couldn’t he have his. Huh? Who’s idea was it to start swinging?
A few weeks later my husband made a suicide attempt and spent 3 days in the hospital. He had a lot of rage when he got out of the hospital and looking back I know I must have been truly awful to live with. I was constantly drunk and he unable to get me to stop drinking.
In mid October of 2009 I went to a local AA meeting. I was afraid I was going to die of alcohol poisoning. I saw what my drinking was doing to my husband. I could pretend that my children didn't know and while they might have never seen me pick up the bottle my behavior was atrocious. My body was present, but my mind was not. I was unproductive at work. The smallest task, like making my children breakfast before school was an enormous undertaking.
The amount of alcohol I was drinking kept increasing. I couldn’t stop and I kept drinking more and more. I didn’t vomit anymore so it was staying in my system. Not only was I blacking out, I was passing out. I shook when I woke up in the morning after having sweated all night long. Alcohol had taken over every cell in my body, every thought in my head. It consumed me and from the moment I woke up and until I passed out at night my very being revolved around alcohol. Nothing else mattered.
But at the same time I was petrified that I was going to die of alcohol poisoning.
I sat in the back of the meeting rooms half listening and sometimes drunk. I wanted to stop but I couldn’t. All I kept hearing after my sobbing shares about what a terrible life I had was, “Keep coming back.” To be honest, I didn’t like that. And I sure didn’t think AA was doing enough for me. Where was the sympathy for what I was going thru? I wanted them to join my pity party and validate my feelings.
On November 5th of 2009, after my husband found a bottle of 100 proof vodka (and for some reason that was what made him have enough "100 proof! I had no idea it was this bad!") he handed me a suitcase and changed the locks on the front door. He told me he was filing for divorce, taking custody of the kids and taking over the business. The gig was up and tomorrow morning I would leave.
The next day I went to a noon time meeting with my suitcase in the back of my car. I had no plan at that point but I was sober. Possibly my first sober AA meeting. I cried my eyes out all boo-hoo poor me stuff about how I had been kicked out of my house by my very mean husband and now I'd have to go live in a hotel indefinitely. I didn't have a sympathetic audience at this inner city meeting. A place where a lot of people struggled to put food on the table. I don't think they wanted to hear about the woman who was crying about living in a hotel.
So I checked into the LaQuinta Inn. No one knew where I was. I certainly hadn't told my husband although he hadn't asked either. I hadn't spoken to my mother or my sisters in a week or two. And at that point I had no friends.
I have since learned that was a dangerous place to detox because I was alone (at the time I was so ignorant about this disease I didn't realize I was detoxing).
Mostly what I remember about those days is crying a lot and watching TV. I prayed too. Something I hadn't done in many years. I was frightened and had never felt so alone.
By day three I was missing my kids so much and I finally called my mother and told her where I was and that I was an alcoholic. She said, "Yes, I know that". Wait a minute, she knew? And I thought I had been so slick at hiding my secret.
Under the advice of my attorney brother in law I returned to the house. My husband let me back in stating that it was just temporary.
I wish I could tell you that we worked it out and we lived happily ever after but that was not to happen. He had already filed for divorce and all my begging and pleading (this is karma, payback, déjà vu just like when my first husband begged me to work out our marriage and I would not) would not change his mind.
I also wish I could tell you that November 6 2009 was still my sobriety date but that was not to be the case either. On April 15 2010 I broke down and drank. Why? Probably because I was working my own program and not the AA program. I went to a lot of meetings but had no sponsor, a very small network, and was not working the steps. Thankfully it was only for one day and now I am glad it happened because it showed me that a drink is just an arm’s length away, that my disease wants me dead, and that I needed to get much more serious about my recovery.
I came to Alcoholics Anonymous to stop drinking but then I heard someone say it's not about my drinking, it's about my thinking. That I understood.
I did not lose custody of my children and I did not lose half ownership of my business. I still work with my ex husband and that can present challenges but for now I am handling that ok.
While I still hold some anger and resentment towards my exhusband I am also thankful that he had me leave our home in November 2009. I haven't told him yet, but he saved my life. It was the kick in the pants I needed to get sober. I'm also glad to be out of that marriage. I'm starting to see now that it was a very unhealthy relationship for both of us.
Today I have a sponsor who I call often and not because I have to but because I want to. She is a tremendous amount of support and I will be eternally grateful to her for her kindness and patience and what she is teaching me. My network of female AA friends has expanded, my sponsor gives me homework and I actually do it and like it, I read the Big Book often, go to a lot of meetings and am working on the steps.
I am learning that there is a merciful and loving God and just maybe he will forgive me for my sins.
I have something I haven't had in years: Hope.
I have something I don't ever think I had: Gratitude.
I know I have a long way to go and that's ok. I am starting to see how good life can be.
I feel free from the bondage of alcohol.
What follows is only something an active alcoholic with no lucid thoughts would do. I emailed the other woman’s husband. Anonymously of course because I thought the other husband would end the affair and my
So I send off my anonymous email (it was easy to find out who they were by googling her phone number and where he worked) telling him that his wife was having an affair with (my husband’s full name). Why I ever thought that all three parties (my husband, his girlfriend and her husband) might think it was me that sent the email was baffling to me.
I watched the whole drama unfold in my husband’s email. Drunk of course. She told my husband that her husband had gotten a very strange email that mentioned his name and that the two of them were having an affair. The plan was that they were to deny the whole thing.
I guess the other husband wasn’t going to let this go so easily and that evening he called our home. (I guess they have google in his town too).
It was nasty and my husband was furious with me. Later on he said, “How could you do such a thing and break up their family?” He actually said that (hello…. what about our family?) And I actually felt guilty about that.
And of course the swinging was brought up and since I had my fun why couldn’t he have his. Huh? Who’s idea was it to start swinging?
A few weeks later my husband made a suicide attempt and spent 3 days in the hospital. He had a lot of rage when he got out of the hospital and looking back I know I must have been truly awful to live with. I was constantly drunk and he unable to get me to stop drinking.
In mid October of 2009 I went to a local AA meeting. I was afraid I was going to die of alcohol poisoning. I saw what my drinking was doing to my husband. I could pretend that my children didn't know and while they might have never seen me pick up the bottle my behavior was atrocious. My body was present, but my mind was not. I was unproductive at work. The smallest task, like making my children breakfast before school was an enormous undertaking.
The amount of alcohol I was drinking kept increasing. I couldn’t stop and I kept drinking more and more. I didn’t vomit anymore so it was staying in my system. Not only was I blacking out, I was passing out. I shook when I woke up in the morning after having sweated all night long. Alcohol had taken over every cell in my body, every thought in my head. It consumed me and from the moment I woke up and until I passed out at night my very being revolved around alcohol. Nothing else mattered.
But at the same time I was petrified that I was going to die of alcohol poisoning.
I sat in the back of the meeting rooms half listening and sometimes drunk. I wanted to stop but I couldn’t. All I kept hearing after my sobbing shares about what a terrible life I had was, “Keep coming back.” To be honest, I didn’t like that. And I sure didn’t think AA was doing enough for me. Where was the sympathy for what I was going thru? I wanted them to join my pity party and validate my feelings.
On November 5th of 2009, after my husband found a bottle of 100 proof vodka (and for some reason that was what made him have enough "100 proof! I had no idea it was this bad!") he handed me a suitcase and changed the locks on the front door. He told me he was filing for divorce, taking custody of the kids and taking over the business. The gig was up and tomorrow morning I would leave.
The next day I went to a noon time meeting with my suitcase in the back of my car. I had no plan at that point but I was sober. Possibly my first sober AA meeting. I cried my eyes out all boo-hoo poor me stuff about how I had been kicked out of my house by my very mean husband and now I'd have to go live in a hotel indefinitely. I didn't have a sympathetic audience at this inner city meeting. A place where a lot of people struggled to put food on the table. I don't think they wanted to hear about the woman who was crying about living in a hotel.
So I checked into the LaQuinta Inn. No one knew where I was. I certainly hadn't told my husband although he hadn't asked either. I hadn't spoken to my mother or my sisters in a week or two. And at that point I had no friends.
I have since learned that was a dangerous place to detox because I was alone (at the time I was so ignorant about this disease I didn't realize I was detoxing).
Mostly what I remember about those days is crying a lot and watching TV. I prayed too. Something I hadn't done in many years. I was frightened and had never felt so alone.
By day three I was missing my kids so much and I finally called my mother and told her where I was and that I was an alcoholic. She said, "Yes, I know that". Wait a minute, she knew? And I thought I had been so slick at hiding my secret.
Under the advice of my attorney brother in law I returned to the house. My husband let me back in stating that it was just temporary.
I wish I could tell you that we worked it out and we lived happily ever after but that was not to happen. He had already filed for divorce and all my begging and pleading (this is karma, payback, déjà vu just like when my first husband begged me to work out our marriage and I would not) would not change his mind.
I also wish I could tell you that November 6 2009 was still my sobriety date but that was not to be the case either. On April 15 2010 I broke down and drank. Why? Probably because I was working my own program and not the AA program. I went to a lot of meetings but had no sponsor, a very small network, and was not working the steps. Thankfully it was only for one day and now I am glad it happened because it showed me that a drink is just an arm’s length away, that my disease wants me dead, and that I needed to get much more serious about my recovery.
I came to Alcoholics Anonymous to stop drinking but then I heard someone say it's not about my drinking, it's about my thinking. That I understood.
I did not lose custody of my children and I did not lose half ownership of my business. I still work with my ex husband and that can present challenges but for now I am handling that ok.
While I still hold some anger and resentment towards my exhusband I am also thankful that he had me leave our home in November 2009. I haven't told him yet, but he saved my life. It was the kick in the pants I needed to get sober. I'm also glad to be out of that marriage. I'm starting to see now that it was a very unhealthy relationship for both of us.
Today I have a sponsor who I call often and not because I have to but because I want to. She is a tremendous amount of support and I will be eternally grateful to her for her kindness and patience and what she is teaching me. My network of female AA friends has expanded, my sponsor gives me homework and I actually do it and like it, I read the Big Book often, go to a lot of meetings and am working on the steps.
I am learning that there is a merciful and loving God and just maybe he will forgive me for my sins.
I have something I haven't had in years: Hope.
I have something I don't ever think I had: Gratitude.
I know I have a long way to go and that's ok. I am starting to see how good life can be.
I feel free from the bondage of alcohol.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Part 4 Continued, It Gets Even Worse
I started drinking more often and sometimes alone. Not every day but every few weeks I'd buy a bottle of wine and get drunk alone. If my husband and I went out I always got drunk. He always drove and never questioned it. Sometimes he was drunk too but never like I was.
I was dying inside, I had no God in my life, few friends. I was isolating myself from my mother and sisters because I was so ashamed of myself. Then I got pregnant and my husband was livid. He said it couldn't be his and he would find out who the father was and sue him for child support. I don't know how he thought he could do this as there were so many men. Also, the baby surely could have been his. He agreed to raise the baby but he would have a DNA test done and we would find out who the father really was.
One of the lowest points in my life was the day I walked into the abortion clinic. At the time it seemed like the solution. How could we raise a baby that might not be my husband's? How would he treat this child? How would I explain to the world that the father might not be my husband? What damage might I have done drinking before I knew I was pregnant? I lied to my husband and told him I miscarried. He didn't question it, or the day I spent out of the house, or the time I spent in bed afterwards in pain as my baby died inside of me. I got drunk the next day. Very, very drunk. I contemplated suicide but didn't have the guts to follow thru. We never discussed the “miscarriage” and to this day I’ve never told anyone. I will soon as I start Step 5 with my sponsor.
The hole in the donut was getting bigger and bigger.
My husband was angry when I told him I wouldn't work as a prostitute anymore. He told me that I better find another job before I quit what I was doing. But I was so scared that I might get arrested, I feared being hurt by one of these strange men, I worried that someday my children would find out what their mother did for a living. I felt so worthless and hopeless, and constantly had this dreadful fear that something bad was about to happen. Little did I know at that time that my life had to get worse before it could get better. I had yet to reach bottom.
Today as I am writing this and thinking back to that time I wonder why either of us thought this was a good idea? Why did I cower when he became angry at me for refusing to sell my body anymore? I still have a lot of anger towards him about allowing his wife to do that. But I know deep down inside I can’t blame him because I did it of my free will. He never forced me. But still there is that resentment. But I am mostly angry at myself . I’m so pathetic to do something like that to please him. To think that I couldn’t find a better job where I wouldn’t lose what little self esteem I had left.
I didn’t find another job first. Soon after I deleted the photos from my website and shut it off. I threw out the prepaid cell phone I had used for making appointments. I was done. My husband didn’t say much about it. I guess he saw that I wasn't caving on this decision.
I didn’t want to do it, but with little job prospects I started working with him at his business. Not that it was going well at first as he had only started it a year ago but we had managed to save a lot of the money I earned and it freed up some of his time to expand the business, we learned to put our two heads together and work towards a common goal. In some ways it seemed like maybe, finally, I was getting my life on track. I did enjoy the work and it helped my self esteem to know I was contributing to society and my family’s income in a moral, legal, and positive way.
The swinging parties continued and by then I was getting drunk most Saturday nights. It didn’t bother me at all that my husband was sleeping with other women. There was a part of me that just didn’t care anymore.
Fast forward to the spring of 2008. We had started another business together (the previous one had made no money and we were forced to try something else) and it was going well. We were making good money! My home life seemed to be about the same, hubby was still at his porn, but no longer pestered me about going to swingers clubs. But inside of me I felt dead. I was consumed with self loathing and shame. What I had done was not only immoral, it was illegal. And I committed murder.
There is a lot of crap that I am leaving out. I don’t even know if anyone is reading this blog and some of the things that happened are not directly related to my alcoholism just more bizarre, crazy, nonsense that I felt sometimes would never end. Like my husband’s foray into cross dressing and how he thought he might be bisexual for a while. Thankfully he never acted out on it, at least not to my knowledge.
He also suffered from depression off and on throughout our marriage and while it was not the chronic, constant kind like I had, when he went thru his bouts he got very low. A lot of times it happened in the winter so maybe he suffers from SADD. Once he talked of suicide and I was so was so worried and scared for him, for all of us. I begged and pleaded and told him how much he was needed and loved and how the kids deserved to have a father and how our lives would forever change if he were out of it. He wouldn’t go to a doctor or therapy and he was better within a few weeks. And then years later, towards the end of my drinking, he had a suicide plan that involved a gun. The police brought him to the hospital and the doctors signed him in for 3 days against his will.
It was at this time in the spring of 2008 that I crossed the line between heavy drinking and not being able to stop. The next six months were a spiral downwards to a living hell.
I would stay up late and drink alone. I’d vomit and swear never again and be back at it the next night.
Then I started drinking earlier and earlier each day and sometimes stayed in the bathroom in the morning after my shower chugging down wine or vodka in order to start my day. I went to my kids’ school functions and soccer games under the influence. I drove in the car drunk. I drove drunk with my children in the car.
By then the alcohol was playing havoc with my emotions. Sometimes it made me feel less stressed but more often it was making me severely depressed.
In Sept of 2008 I tried to kill myself. My husband found me in bed with a plastic bag tied around my head. Thankfully he was there and for that I am forever grateful. I guess it was not my time. The next day he took me to the hospital (why not that night is a whole other story) and we met with people in the behavioral health department. I had to talk to social workers, nurses, doctors. They took vital signs and blood tests and asked a battery of questions. Finally: "Do you drink alcohol?" As I was ready to say no, a voice inside me said to spill it out and tell the truth. I knew I needed help. What I remember most about that night was the look of shock on my husband's face when I told the nurse that I had been drinking heavily and almost daily for months. Still to this day I don't know how my husband didn't know I was drinking, you would think he would have smelled it? I don't know.
They let me go home and suggested I go to therapy and or AA. I went to a therapist, minimized the drinking, and whined about what an awful husband I had (I never told her about any of the real issues that weighed heavily on my mind: the childhood abuse, the incest, the prostition or the abortion). She told me I wasn't an alcoholic and had just abused it probably because of my relationship problems. That's all I needed to hear. See, I wasn't so bad after all.
For the next year I continued to sneak drink and by that time my preferred drink was vodka. Mostly the gallon plastic jugs so I never ran out. Every so often hubby would find my hidden stash, I'd promise to quit, and instead just found better hiding places.
We fought a lot and sometimes slept in separate rooms. I didn't want to stop. Alcohol was my new best friend and no way was I giving up that. So round and round we went for another year of me drinking and him finding out. Broken promises from me, threats of divorce from him.
I was dying inside, I had no God in my life, few friends. I was isolating myself from my mother and sisters because I was so ashamed of myself. Then I got pregnant and my husband was livid. He said it couldn't be his and he would find out who the father was and sue him for child support. I don't know how he thought he could do this as there were so many men. Also, the baby surely could have been his. He agreed to raise the baby but he would have a DNA test done and we would find out who the father really was.
One of the lowest points in my life was the day I walked into the abortion clinic. At the time it seemed like the solution. How could we raise a baby that might not be my husband's? How would he treat this child? How would I explain to the world that the father might not be my husband? What damage might I have done drinking before I knew I was pregnant? I lied to my husband and told him I miscarried. He didn't question it, or the day I spent out of the house, or the time I spent in bed afterwards in pain as my baby died inside of me. I got drunk the next day. Very, very drunk. I contemplated suicide but didn't have the guts to follow thru. We never discussed the “miscarriage” and to this day I’ve never told anyone. I will soon as I start Step 5 with my sponsor.
The hole in the donut was getting bigger and bigger.
My husband was angry when I told him I wouldn't work as a prostitute anymore. He told me that I better find another job before I quit what I was doing. But I was so scared that I might get arrested, I feared being hurt by one of these strange men, I worried that someday my children would find out what their mother did for a living. I felt so worthless and hopeless, and constantly had this dreadful fear that something bad was about to happen. Little did I know at that time that my life had to get worse before it could get better. I had yet to reach bottom.
Today as I am writing this and thinking back to that time I wonder why either of us thought this was a good idea? Why did I cower when he became angry at me for refusing to sell my body anymore? I still have a lot of anger towards him about allowing his wife to do that. But I know deep down inside I can’t blame him because I did it of my free will. He never forced me. But still there is that resentment. But I am mostly angry at myself . I’m so pathetic to do something like that to please him. To think that I couldn’t find a better job where I wouldn’t lose what little self esteem I had left.
I didn’t find another job first. Soon after I deleted the photos from my website and shut it off. I threw out the prepaid cell phone I had used for making appointments. I was done. My husband didn’t say much about it. I guess he saw that I wasn't caving on this decision.
I didn’t want to do it, but with little job prospects I started working with him at his business. Not that it was going well at first as he had only started it a year ago but we had managed to save a lot of the money I earned and it freed up some of his time to expand the business, we learned to put our two heads together and work towards a common goal. In some ways it seemed like maybe, finally, I was getting my life on track. I did enjoy the work and it helped my self esteem to know I was contributing to society and my family’s income in a moral, legal, and positive way.
The swinging parties continued and by then I was getting drunk most Saturday nights. It didn’t bother me at all that my husband was sleeping with other women. There was a part of me that just didn’t care anymore.
Fast forward to the spring of 2008. We had started another business together (the previous one had made no money and we were forced to try something else) and it was going well. We were making good money! My home life seemed to be about the same, hubby was still at his porn, but no longer pestered me about going to swingers clubs. But inside of me I felt dead. I was consumed with self loathing and shame. What I had done was not only immoral, it was illegal. And I committed murder.
There is a lot of crap that I am leaving out. I don’t even know if anyone is reading this blog and some of the things that happened are not directly related to my alcoholism just more bizarre, crazy, nonsense that I felt sometimes would never end. Like my husband’s foray into cross dressing and how he thought he might be bisexual for a while. Thankfully he never acted out on it, at least not to my knowledge.
He also suffered from depression off and on throughout our marriage and while it was not the chronic, constant kind like I had, when he went thru his bouts he got very low. A lot of times it happened in the winter so maybe he suffers from SADD. Once he talked of suicide and I was so was so worried and scared for him, for all of us. I begged and pleaded and told him how much he was needed and loved and how the kids deserved to have a father and how our lives would forever change if he were out of it. He wouldn’t go to a doctor or therapy and he was better within a few weeks. And then years later, towards the end of my drinking, he had a suicide plan that involved a gun. The police brought him to the hospital and the doctors signed him in for 3 days against his will.
It was at this time in the spring of 2008 that I crossed the line between heavy drinking and not being able to stop. The next six months were a spiral downwards to a living hell.
I would stay up late and drink alone. I’d vomit and swear never again and be back at it the next night.
Then I started drinking earlier and earlier each day and sometimes stayed in the bathroom in the morning after my shower chugging down wine or vodka in order to start my day. I went to my kids’ school functions and soccer games under the influence. I drove in the car drunk. I drove drunk with my children in the car.
By then the alcohol was playing havoc with my emotions. Sometimes it made me feel less stressed but more often it was making me severely depressed.
In Sept of 2008 I tried to kill myself. My husband found me in bed with a plastic bag tied around my head. Thankfully he was there and for that I am forever grateful. I guess it was not my time. The next day he took me to the hospital (why not that night is a whole other story) and we met with people in the behavioral health department. I had to talk to social workers, nurses, doctors. They took vital signs and blood tests and asked a battery of questions. Finally: "Do you drink alcohol?" As I was ready to say no, a voice inside me said to spill it out and tell the truth. I knew I needed help. What I remember most about that night was the look of shock on my husband's face when I told the nurse that I had been drinking heavily and almost daily for months. Still to this day I don't know how my husband didn't know I was drinking, you would think he would have smelled it? I don't know.
They let me go home and suggested I go to therapy and or AA. I went to a therapist, minimized the drinking, and whined about what an awful husband I had (I never told her about any of the real issues that weighed heavily on my mind: the childhood abuse, the incest, the prostition or the abortion). She told me I wasn't an alcoholic and had just abused it probably because of my relationship problems. That's all I needed to hear. See, I wasn't so bad after all.
For the next year I continued to sneak drink and by that time my preferred drink was vodka. Mostly the gallon plastic jugs so I never ran out. Every so often hubby would find my hidden stash, I'd promise to quit, and instead just found better hiding places.
We fought a lot and sometimes slept in separate rooms. I didn't want to stop. Alcohol was my new best friend and no way was I giving up that. So round and round we went for another year of me drinking and him finding out. Broken promises from me, threats of divorce from him.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
What an awesomely powerful day!
First off the weather was spectacular - warm and sunny. The perfect start to a great spring day.
I went to a women's recovery day with my sponsor and two of my AA friends. It was so moving to have 400 women gathered together to share their experience, strength and hope. I heard so many positive messages today. This is what keeps me coming back.
I was asked to chair one of the workshops. Who woulda thought I'd ever be able to do something like that?
The key note speaker at the end of the day blew everyone away with her story. The day she had her last drink started out as a normal Saturday. She had plans to go to a friend's wedding. Little did she know that afternoon as she got dressed up and ready to go celebrate in the couple’s happiness, that another friend, her very best friend would be killed by a drunk driver later that night.
After the reception ended she gave her friend a ride home. She was the designated driver as many of her other friends had lots more to drink and she was the most sober. There was a lot of traffic as she tried to get on the highway so she decided to drive her pick up truck over the grassy shoulder to get onto the entrance quicker. In the dark night she couldn't see the dark patch of rocks that caused her truck to tip over forwards. Her friend died instantly as her head hit the windshield.
The speaker was the drunk driver.
She had killed her friend.
After a long trial she ended up going to prison and spent 5 years there. That is where she got sober and attended her first AA meeting. And she had remained sober, rebuilding her life and dedicating it to educating high school students thru the M.A.D.D. program.
That could so easily been me. But for the grace of God I was never in a crash, and I never got a DUI. And that's not to say I didn't drive drunk because I did many, many times. When I was in my early twenties and thought I was invincible and then later in life when I was over 40 and my drinking had taken over my life. I drove drunk with my children in the car. Why, why did I ever think that might be ok to do?
God saved me so many times and for that I am so grateful that I wish I could truly express in words how precious and loved my sobriety is. It is the most important thing in my life because without it I have nothing else.
I was so inspired by today that this afternoon when I got home I worked on my Step 4 worksheets and I think I am finished! Whew, what a relief to have finally completed this task after worrying about it for so long.
I went to another meeting tonight, one of my favorites of the week, mostly because we go out to dinner afterwards. I don’t know if it was the full moon or what, but it was such a fun evening of laughter and goofiness and good stories and people being honest and real.
I may have mentioned this before but the fellowship is such a blessing in my life. I love my AA people dearly and they inspire me to be a better person.
Life is good!
I went to a women's recovery day with my sponsor and two of my AA friends. It was so moving to have 400 women gathered together to share their experience, strength and hope. I heard so many positive messages today. This is what keeps me coming back.
I was asked to chair one of the workshops. Who woulda thought I'd ever be able to do something like that?
The key note speaker at the end of the day blew everyone away with her story. The day she had her last drink started out as a normal Saturday. She had plans to go to a friend's wedding. Little did she know that afternoon as she got dressed up and ready to go celebrate in the couple’s happiness, that another friend, her very best friend would be killed by a drunk driver later that night.
After the reception ended she gave her friend a ride home. She was the designated driver as many of her other friends had lots more to drink and she was the most sober. There was a lot of traffic as she tried to get on the highway so she decided to drive her pick up truck over the grassy shoulder to get onto the entrance quicker. In the dark night she couldn't see the dark patch of rocks that caused her truck to tip over forwards. Her friend died instantly as her head hit the windshield.
The speaker was the drunk driver.
She had killed her friend.
After a long trial she ended up going to prison and spent 5 years there. That is where she got sober and attended her first AA meeting. And she had remained sober, rebuilding her life and dedicating it to educating high school students thru the M.A.D.D. program.
That could so easily been me. But for the grace of God I was never in a crash, and I never got a DUI. And that's not to say I didn't drive drunk because I did many, many times. When I was in my early twenties and thought I was invincible and then later in life when I was over 40 and my drinking had taken over my life. I drove drunk with my children in the car. Why, why did I ever think that might be ok to do?
God saved me so many times and for that I am so grateful that I wish I could truly express in words how precious and loved my sobriety is. It is the most important thing in my life because without it I have nothing else.
I was so inspired by today that this afternoon when I got home I worked on my Step 4 worksheets and I think I am finished! Whew, what a relief to have finally completed this task after worrying about it for so long.
I went to another meeting tonight, one of my favorites of the week, mostly because we go out to dinner afterwards. I don’t know if it was the full moon or what, but it was such a fun evening of laughter and goofiness and good stories and people being honest and real.
I may have mentioned this before but the fellowship is such a blessing in my life. I love my AA people dearly and they inspire me to be a better person.
Life is good!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Part 4, My Life Had to Get Worse Before It Got Better
I don't even know what to title this portion of my life. Total insanity.
We did this swapping partner thing for about a year and what happens next is so horrible I am not sure I can ever forgive myself for what I had turned in to and what I did. I still feel shame to my very core and only one person in the world knows about this part of me. I haven't finished my 4th and 5th steps and am pretty sure this will have to be included in it. I am praying for the courage to do that.
At this time we were having some financial difficulties, not totally broke, and probably not much different than other married couples with kids, car payments and a house. It wasn't as though we couldn't pay our mortgage or put food on the table but money was very tight.
One day when we were alone and having a rare, quiet, happy moment together my husband suggested that if I was already sleeping with men why not do it for money. My first reaction was disbelief that he would suggest such a thing. I told him that I would absolutely never do such a thing.
But the seed had been planted and the next time he brought up the topic I was more receptive to listening to him. It was the summer of 2004 and I remember this because there was something in the news about escorts and prostitutes at one of the politcal conventions. He had done some research and some of these women were making thousands of dollars a day.
Somehow he convinced me that it was ok and that I was doing it for my family. No one would ever know and that it was a temporary solution to our money problems. I want to add here that he never forced me to do this. I agreed.
And so for the next year that is what I did. He helped me set up a website and took pictures and voila, men were emailing and I met with them in hotel rooms and sold my body for money.
It’s not easy leading a double life full of secrets and shame. But, today as I reflect back on my life I can see that pattern started at an early age with my family of origin. Years later I still had that fake smile plastered to my face pretending to the world, and sometimes to myself, that all was fine. Even when the pain inside was too much to bear.
Faith
At last night's meeting the topic was faith. Our lack of it, how it's helped us in recovery, how we found it. As usual I heard some great shares and while I didn't get a chance to speak it made me think about how far I've come in believing that there is someone, something out there in the universe that is looking out for my best interest. There has to be because I was close to death at the end of my drinking when I was so out of control and unable to stop.
I didn't immediately have faith in AA. In fact, the first few weeks I didn't believe anyone had been sober as long as they claimed. They had to drink on the weekends or when alone. Because that's all I knew. But I came to believe when I saw these genuinely happy people whose lives were no longer focused around drinking. And I wanted that.
The last share was the best of all. A man, probably in his early thirties, and who has been sober 7 months told us about his last "run". He had been living in his car for a few weeks while on a drug and alcohol binge. He wasn't eating or sleeping much. His wife found him by the GPS chip in his cell phone. She knocked on his car window and asked him if that's how he wanted to die and if that's how he wanted their young daughter to remember him. She took him to a treatment facility and when he got out he had to deal with outstanding arrest warrants.
He went to court last fall and the trial was put on hold. He went back in December and again it was put on hold. In late February he faced a prosecutor who wanted the state to give him the maximum sentence of 5 years (he didn't say what the crime was). But after the judge saw how he was turning his life around, he gave him probation instead. This man was back living at home, he was active in AA, and he had a job he showed up for everyday.
His voice cracked as he said that faith is what saved him. He knows he didn't do this alone. It was the fellowship of his program and a loving God who gave him a second chance at life.
That was a powerful message.
I didn't immediately have faith in AA. In fact, the first few weeks I didn't believe anyone had been sober as long as they claimed. They had to drink on the weekends or when alone. Because that's all I knew. But I came to believe when I saw these genuinely happy people whose lives were no longer focused around drinking. And I wanted that.
The last share was the best of all. A man, probably in his early thirties, and who has been sober 7 months told us about his last "run". He had been living in his car for a few weeks while on a drug and alcohol binge. He wasn't eating or sleeping much. His wife found him by the GPS chip in his cell phone. She knocked on his car window and asked him if that's how he wanted to die and if that's how he wanted their young daughter to remember him. She took him to a treatment facility and when he got out he had to deal with outstanding arrest warrants.
He went to court last fall and the trial was put on hold. He went back in December and again it was put on hold. In late February he faced a prosecutor who wanted the state to give him the maximum sentence of 5 years (he didn't say what the crime was). But after the judge saw how he was turning his life around, he gave him probation instead. This man was back living at home, he was active in AA, and he had a job he showed up for everyday.
His voice cracked as he said that faith is what saved him. He knows he didn't do this alone. It was the fellowship of his program and a loving God who gave him a second chance at life.
That was a powerful message.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
My Story, Part 3 continued
Upon my urging my husband went to marriage counseling with me. And it doesn't work when one party doesn't want to be there. (Karma?) He felt like the therapist was taking my side and the sessions were all about me bitching about his porn use and lack of attention and him relunctantly agreeing to stop. I think we might have gone to 3 or 4 sessions and then stopped. It was around the same time I also stopped going to my own therapist too.
He was miserable, I was miserable and on top of that we had a busy and stressful life between work and the kids (my daughter from my first marriage, and our two together, and he had two sons from his first marriage). But such is life and people have gone thru worse, yet I had a hard time coping with all of this.
His porn use continued and eventually if I thought if I couldn't fight it why not join in. I offered to watch it with him and went too far: losing a lot of weight (and I was never heavy) getting cosmetic surgery and highlighting my hair blonde. I thought if I could look like the women in the movies he watched he would be more attracted to me.
It was a temporary fix.
I think we were married about 3 or 4 years when my husband suggested that we experiment with an open marriage. I am ashamed to say that I agreed to this. I was so afraid of losing him, so scared he was going to have an affair. Who was this man I had married? It wasn't easy for me to watch him with other women and I pretended that it was all ok but deep inside me I was so sad. I didn't want to share my husband and I didn't want some strange man touching me.
Also, around this time he admitted to me that he had had numerous affairs while married to his first wife and told me that when he married me he promised himself that he would never do that again He wanted this marriage to work and regretted what he had done. It made the swinging/open marriage make more sense. They way he described it was we could both explore our sexuality in a safe environment with out any secrets. Everything would be in the open.
My drinking picked up a little. Whenever we went out we drank. However, he was handling it a lot better than me. I always felt crappy the next day and had bad hangovers. We never drank at home but dinners out were always a few cocktails before and a bottle or two of wine during. Ironically, it was these nights out when I felt closest to my husband. Alcohol was my escape and I could pretend everything was alright and it felt like we were going out on a date like the times before we got married and we didn’t have all this extra strife and stress in real life. I could pretend for a few hours out alone with him that my life was just fine.
Today as I write this with almost 11 months of sobriety I wonder if I have some deep emotional or mental issues because what sane, normal, respectable woman would agree to something like this and not put limits on what is acceptable behavior?
He was miserable, I was miserable and on top of that we had a busy and stressful life between work and the kids (my daughter from my first marriage, and our two together, and he had two sons from his first marriage). But such is life and people have gone thru worse, yet I had a hard time coping with all of this.
His porn use continued and eventually if I thought if I couldn't fight it why not join in. I offered to watch it with him and went too far: losing a lot of weight (and I was never heavy) getting cosmetic surgery and highlighting my hair blonde. I thought if I could look like the women in the movies he watched he would be more attracted to me.
It was a temporary fix.
I think we were married about 3 or 4 years when my husband suggested that we experiment with an open marriage. I am ashamed to say that I agreed to this. I was so afraid of losing him, so scared he was going to have an affair. Who was this man I had married? It wasn't easy for me to watch him with other women and I pretended that it was all ok but deep inside me I was so sad. I didn't want to share my husband and I didn't want some strange man touching me.
Also, around this time he admitted to me that he had had numerous affairs while married to his first wife and told me that when he married me he promised himself that he would never do that again He wanted this marriage to work and regretted what he had done. It made the swinging/open marriage make more sense. They way he described it was we could both explore our sexuality in a safe environment with out any secrets. Everything would be in the open.
My drinking picked up a little. Whenever we went out we drank. However, he was handling it a lot better than me. I always felt crappy the next day and had bad hangovers. We never drank at home but dinners out were always a few cocktails before and a bottle or two of wine during. Ironically, it was these nights out when I felt closest to my husband. Alcohol was my escape and I could pretend everything was alright and it felt like we were going out on a date like the times before we got married and we didn’t have all this extra strife and stress in real life. I could pretend for a few hours out alone with him that my life was just fine.
Today as I write this with almost 11 months of sobriety I wonder if I have some deep emotional or mental issues because what sane, normal, respectable woman would agree to something like this and not put limits on what is acceptable behavior?
Friday, March 11, 2011
My Story, Part 3, The Grass Is Not Greener!
I ended up marrying the guy I had an affair with about 8 months after we met. He was the opposite of my first husband: grounded, reliable and financially secure. But as I would soon find out that cliché about the grass being greener is so not true.
A few months into marriage #2 I found out that my husband was viewing a lot of online porn. I was devastated because I compared myself to those women and knew I could never look like them. It made me feel so inadequate. He promised to stop viewing it. He did not. Maybe he couldn't?
I got pregnant and we had a son. Two months later we had a surprise and found out I was pregnant again. We had a daughter. I want to add here that despite all the drama/chaos/insanity I have created in my life I am the blessed mother of 3 beautiful children all of whom are happy, healthy, well adjusted and doing well in school.
The divide between my husband and I was getting wider. I was resentful of his lack of affection and porn use and he was angry about my snooping and nagging. I was so desperate for love and attention and I wasn't getting it from my husband. Sometimes I felt like I was married to my father and in many ways we assumed a parent - child relationship. He made a lot of the decisions and I agreed to them. Partly because I didn’t like arguments (I have always and still am bad at handling confrontations) but also because it was just easier to not have to make decisions. He had some similar personality traits to Dad, ones from the onset I had admired, but the distant, unemotional side of him was difficult for me to accept. I was depressed and I felt doomed. I wanted so badly for this marriage to work out. What kind of a loser gets divorced twice? What was I doing wrong that I was so unhappy again in a relationship?
I started obsessing about the porn and all kinds of thoughts flooded my head. What if he took it too far and met someone from the internet? He was becoming quieter and more secretive so my snooping just increased.
One night after he was asleep I took his keys, drove to his office (he owned the business), and went onto his computer. The stuff there was more graphic then what he had viewed at home but what amazed me most was the amount of time he spent looking at it. I mean, if someone is horny, and they choose to look at porn, they get off on it and then they are finished until the next time, right? This was hours and hours per day. He was an early riser and usually left home at 5 or 5:30 am and I just assumed it was to get a head start on his day. But every morning for 2 or 3 hours until his employees showed up the computer history showed him on all kinds of porn websites.
At one point I considered suicide and I remember clearly that night sitting alone in my kitchen after everyone had gone to bed pouring out a bottle of over-the-counter sleep medication into my hand. I put the blue pills in my mouth and then spat them back into my hand. Something stopped me from swallowing them.
I went to therapy for my depression and was prescribed anti-depressants. It took a few months to find the right medication and dosage but they did eventually help. Things at home really weren't much better but the talk therapy helped me to see that I really didn't have control over what my husband did. But I did have control over what my reactions were. It also helped me to realize I was very co-dependent too.
A few months into marriage #2 I found out that my husband was viewing a lot of online porn. I was devastated because I compared myself to those women and knew I could never look like them. It made me feel so inadequate. He promised to stop viewing it. He did not. Maybe he couldn't?
I got pregnant and we had a son. Two months later we had a surprise and found out I was pregnant again. We had a daughter. I want to add here that despite all the drama/chaos/insanity I have created in my life I am the blessed mother of 3 beautiful children all of whom are happy, healthy, well adjusted and doing well in school.
The divide between my husband and I was getting wider. I was resentful of his lack of affection and porn use and he was angry about my snooping and nagging. I was so desperate for love and attention and I wasn't getting it from my husband. Sometimes I felt like I was married to my father and in many ways we assumed a parent - child relationship. He made a lot of the decisions and I agreed to them. Partly because I didn’t like arguments (I have always and still am bad at handling confrontations) but also because it was just easier to not have to make decisions. He had some similar personality traits to Dad, ones from the onset I had admired, but the distant, unemotional side of him was difficult for me to accept. I was depressed and I felt doomed. I wanted so badly for this marriage to work out. What kind of a loser gets divorced twice? What was I doing wrong that I was so unhappy again in a relationship?
I started obsessing about the porn and all kinds of thoughts flooded my head. What if he took it too far and met someone from the internet? He was becoming quieter and more secretive so my snooping just increased.
One night after he was asleep I took his keys, drove to his office (he owned the business), and went onto his computer. The stuff there was more graphic then what he had viewed at home but what amazed me most was the amount of time he spent looking at it. I mean, if someone is horny, and they choose to look at porn, they get off on it and then they are finished until the next time, right? This was hours and hours per day. He was an early riser and usually left home at 5 or 5:30 am and I just assumed it was to get a head start on his day. But every morning for 2 or 3 hours until his employees showed up the computer history showed him on all kinds of porn websites.
At one point I considered suicide and I remember clearly that night sitting alone in my kitchen after everyone had gone to bed pouring out a bottle of over-the-counter sleep medication into my hand. I put the blue pills in my mouth and then spat them back into my hand. Something stopped me from swallowing them.
I went to therapy for my depression and was prescribed anti-depressants. It took a few months to find the right medication and dosage but they did eventually help. Things at home really weren't much better but the talk therapy helped me to see that I really didn't have control over what my husband did. But I did have control over what my reactions were. It also helped me to realize I was very co-dependent too.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
My Story, Part 2 Teens and Twenties
When I graduated from high school with mediocre grades and all my close friends were headed off to college I decided to find a job in New York City. Heck no, I would not attend a community college as my parents suggested. We lived outside of New York in a suburb so it was an easy commute. I was lucky to have found a good job considering the only work experience I had was part time retail during high school and a few months as a bank teller.
But it was the mid 80's before the stock market had crashed, the economy was good and Wall Street was hiring.
It didn't take long for me to find the happy hour crowd at the office and Friday evenings were bar hopping around downtown Manhattan and in the South Street Seaport. A lot of places did not ask for ID, and I think wearing a suit and being with older co workers there might have been an assumption that I was of age. I'm not really certain why but it was rarely was I asked for proof of age.
Alcohol was my social lubricant. I was no longer the shy girl no one noticed. It made me feel
prettier, smarter, funnier, more at ease. My friends thought it was funny how I could flirt with men and laughed at my antics. So different than the girl they knew in the office.
In the present day I try not to romanticize drinking because it’s not a type of thinking I can have anymore but those times for me were fun. Yeah I did a lot of stupid things when drunk but I was out in the world, away from my childhood home and actually did do a good job at work.
I worked at the same company for a few years and was offered a promotion if I could pass a test. It was brutal and I had a hard time studying and taking the prep classes needed to pass the exam. The first time I took it I failed by 1 point, the second time was even worse. I think I failed by 10 points. So I gave up and decided to look for a new career. Not that they were going to fire me but I was so disappointed with myself for failing. Little did I know at this time it would only be the start of many jobs to come. And I dumped the boyfriend too, thinking I could do better. Wow, I was arrogant back then.
I was always looking for something better whether it was a new boyfriend, a better job and I am sad to say I even ruined friendships thinking it was time for new ones. I was restless, irritable and discontent.
I have always felt like there was a void in my life, even though I could never verbalize that. One of the first sayings I remember when joining AA was about the hole in the donut. Yes! That has been me for my whole life.
I soon got sick and tired of the commute, my failed career choices, bad choices in men. My drinking wasn't so bad back then but when I drank I drank to get drunk. Smashed, falling down, sometimes puking my guts out drunk.
I met my husband when I was 22 and he was 25. He was the opposite of my stern father. An ex frat boy, football player, life of the party kind of guy. At that time I felt that he was what I needed to feel good about myself. We were married within 14 months of meeting. My father passed away before I go married and while he didn't say much about it I had the feeling he didn't approve of my choice in a husband.
It wasn't a good match for a few reasons. I decided after getting married that the party was over. And without any kind of warning just assuming he would agree with me. It was time to settle down and act like grown ups. I wanted a husband who stayed home in the evening and spent a lot of time with me. I wanted a big house and social status.
But he had other plans and liked to go out after work with his friends and party all weekend. We disagreed on everything from finances to religion to the way to raise our future children.
We did have one child, a daughter, a few years after we married. I was still in my good girl phase and rarely drank. I was disgusted with my husband's out of control drinking so I think that played a big part in me not drinking as much. Besides I could never rely on him to drive as he was always drunk after any kind of social occasion.
8 years into this union I wanted out. I am ashamed to admit what follows next but I need to be honest here. I started acting extra bitchy, distancing myself from him and devising a plan to get a divorce all the while making me look like the good one. He knew something was wrong and would always ask how to repair the damage, begging at times to try and work it out. We tried marriage counseling (it was a sham as I had no desire to work it out). He promised to stop drinking but he couldn't. I had a feeling he was an alcoholic but at that point didn't know much about AA.
Then I had an affair.
He never found out but because things were so chaotic at home and I was uncooperative he filed for divorce. My daughter and I moved out and I continued the affair.
I really thought all of this was ok to do. I justified my actions thinking I had been wronged by marrying an alcoholic, irresponsible man. I deserved better! Boy, talk about selfish.
But it was the mid 80's before the stock market had crashed, the economy was good and Wall Street was hiring.
It didn't take long for me to find the happy hour crowd at the office and Friday evenings were bar hopping around downtown Manhattan and in the South Street Seaport. A lot of places did not ask for ID, and I think wearing a suit and being with older co workers there might have been an assumption that I was of age. I'm not really certain why but it was rarely was I asked for proof of age.
Alcohol was my social lubricant. I was no longer the shy girl no one noticed. It made me feel
prettier, smarter, funnier, more at ease. My friends thought it was funny how I could flirt with men and laughed at my antics. So different than the girl they knew in the office.
In the present day I try not to romanticize drinking because it’s not a type of thinking I can have anymore but those times for me were fun. Yeah I did a lot of stupid things when drunk but I was out in the world, away from my childhood home and actually did do a good job at work.
I worked at the same company for a few years and was offered a promotion if I could pass a test. It was brutal and I had a hard time studying and taking the prep classes needed to pass the exam. The first time I took it I failed by 1 point, the second time was even worse. I think I failed by 10 points. So I gave up and decided to look for a new career. Not that they were going to fire me but I was so disappointed with myself for failing. Little did I know at this time it would only be the start of many jobs to come. And I dumped the boyfriend too, thinking I could do better. Wow, I was arrogant back then.
I was always looking for something better whether it was a new boyfriend, a better job and I am sad to say I even ruined friendships thinking it was time for new ones. I was restless, irritable and discontent.
I have always felt like there was a void in my life, even though I could never verbalize that. One of the first sayings I remember when joining AA was about the hole in the donut. Yes! That has been me for my whole life.
I soon got sick and tired of the commute, my failed career choices, bad choices in men. My drinking wasn't so bad back then but when I drank I drank to get drunk. Smashed, falling down, sometimes puking my guts out drunk.
I met my husband when I was 22 and he was 25. He was the opposite of my stern father. An ex frat boy, football player, life of the party kind of guy. At that time I felt that he was what I needed to feel good about myself. We were married within 14 months of meeting. My father passed away before I go married and while he didn't say much about it I had the feeling he didn't approve of my choice in a husband.
It wasn't a good match for a few reasons. I decided after getting married that the party was over. And without any kind of warning just assuming he would agree with me. It was time to settle down and act like grown ups. I wanted a husband who stayed home in the evening and spent a lot of time with me. I wanted a big house and social status.
But he had other plans and liked to go out after work with his friends and party all weekend. We disagreed on everything from finances to religion to the way to raise our future children.
We did have one child, a daughter, a few years after we married. I was still in my good girl phase and rarely drank. I was disgusted with my husband's out of control drinking so I think that played a big part in me not drinking as much. Besides I could never rely on him to drive as he was always drunk after any kind of social occasion.
8 years into this union I wanted out. I am ashamed to admit what follows next but I need to be honest here. I started acting extra bitchy, distancing myself from him and devising a plan to get a divorce all the while making me look like the good one. He knew something was wrong and would always ask how to repair the damage, begging at times to try and work it out. We tried marriage counseling (it was a sham as I had no desire to work it out). He promised to stop drinking but he couldn't. I had a feeling he was an alcoholic but at that point didn't know much about AA.
Then I had an affair.
He never found out but because things were so chaotic at home and I was uncooperative he filed for divorce. My daughter and I moved out and I continued the affair.
I really thought all of this was ok to do. I justified my actions thinking I had been wronged by marrying an alcoholic, irresponsible man. I deserved better! Boy, talk about selfish.
Step 4
A few weeks ago my sponsor gave me worksheets so I could start working on Step 4. I still haven't started although I've read them over. I feel overwhelmed at what will follow in Step 5 where I have to spill the beans and tell her all of this crap.
It's all fear based and I guess I'm worried about her reaction to some of the insane things I have done in my past. She's so nice and normal and had a high bottom .... she didn't lose her marriage, job, family. She knows the basics of my story but I haven't told her any of the really bad stuff because I'm embarrassed.
I've heard over and over again in AA that I am only as sick as my secrets. And I've been warned that I have to do the program the correct way in order to stay sober. Not my way, taking little bits that are easier for me, but the way it was written in the Big Book. And Step 5 clearly states I have to share my complete story with someone.
It's all fear based and I guess I'm worried about her reaction to some of the insane things I have done in my past. She's so nice and normal and had a high bottom .... she didn't lose her marriage, job, family. She knows the basics of my story but I haven't told her any of the really bad stuff because I'm embarrassed.
I've heard over and over again in AA that I am only as sick as my secrets. And I've been warned that I have to do the program the correct way in order to stay sober. Not my way, taking little bits that are easier for me, but the way it was written in the Big Book. And Step 5 clearly states I have to share my complete story with someone.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
The Insanity Of My Disease
By the summer of 2009 I was a slave to alcohol. It had complete control over me and I was drunk more then I was sober.
One night after everyone was in bed I noticed all the wine I had purchased the day before was gone. (The boxed kind, cuz I was a classy girl). How could that happen? I looked at my watch and it was well after 11pm; too late to go to a liquor store.
I was feeling panicked as I always did when I was running low or out of alcohol. Then I remembered there was a six pack of beer hidden in my bedroom closet. I only had to slip into the room quietly, but open the closet door which was only feet away from where my husband slept.
Of course the door had to creak when I opened it. I waited and listened for his steady breathing before I quietly walked across the room and slid opened the closet door. I had to turn on the closet light to see as the hallway light was not enough.
He rolled over towards me and I quickly crouched down on the floor peeking up to see if he was awake. Thinking it was ok I rummaged thru the closet finding the paper bag with the six pack in it. I slipped the bag out and turned around. His eyes were open and he was looking at me. Ut oh.
He rolled over in bed and I quickly left the room wondering if he had seen me or if I had imagined that. No matter, I brought the beer downstairs and opened the first one. I didn‘t care that it was warm.
I don’t recall what happened after that but I’m sure I finished most if not all of them and slept on the sofa that night. I don’t think my husband said anything to me the next morning or it might have been one of the days he searched the house before I woke up and found hidden alcohol. Usually when he did he’d put the bottle on my desk (we both worked out of our house) saying nothing until the kids had left the house. That waiting time was pure agony as I’d pass by my desk and see the bottle waiting for what I knew would end as a screaming match once the kids left and were on the bus.
And on and on went this routine would go for several more months.
One night after everyone was in bed I noticed all the wine I had purchased the day before was gone. (The boxed kind, cuz I was a classy girl). How could that happen? I looked at my watch and it was well after 11pm; too late to go to a liquor store.
I was feeling panicked as I always did when I was running low or out of alcohol. Then I remembered there was a six pack of beer hidden in my bedroom closet. I only had to slip into the room quietly, but open the closet door which was only feet away from where my husband slept.
Of course the door had to creak when I opened it. I waited and listened for his steady breathing before I quietly walked across the room and slid opened the closet door. I had to turn on the closet light to see as the hallway light was not enough.
He rolled over towards me and I quickly crouched down on the floor peeking up to see if he was awake. Thinking it was ok I rummaged thru the closet finding the paper bag with the six pack in it. I slipped the bag out and turned around. His eyes were open and he was looking at me. Ut oh.
He rolled over in bed and I quickly left the room wondering if he had seen me or if I had imagined that. No matter, I brought the beer downstairs and opened the first one. I didn‘t care that it was warm.
I don’t recall what happened after that but I’m sure I finished most if not all of them and slept on the sofa that night. I don’t think my husband said anything to me the next morning or it might have been one of the days he searched the house before I woke up and found hidden alcohol. Usually when he did he’d put the bottle on my desk (we both worked out of our house) saying nothing until the kids had left the house. That waiting time was pure agony as I’d pass by my desk and see the bottle waiting for what I knew would end as a screaming match once the kids left and were on the bus.
And on and on went this routine would go for several more months.
Monday, February 28, 2011
My Story, Part 1 Childhood
I grew up in a home where neither parent drank. In fact, my father hated alcohol and didn't associate with his siblings who drank and rarely would he serve it in his house. If my mother had one drink a year it was a lot. My brother and sisters still to this day don't drink either. Then along came me.
Despite the alcohol free home there was a lot of chaos, some abuse and violence. My parents did not have a happy marriage, were always arguing and threatening divorce. They never did split up but I remember as a child being scared they would. Sitting at the top of the stairs late at night hearing the screaming matches and wondering which parent I would have to live with but mostly wishing I lived in a different family. I don't have that many happy childhood memories. Most center around my father's anger and my fear of him.
I should also add here that my parents were extremely religious and our lives were very church centered. I went along with all this as a child but would turn my back on God as a young adult.
I was on the shy side as a kid, was neither popular or disliked in school. More like a wall flower most people didn't notice. Often I felt awkward, unattractive, less then. But I had a small group of friends and always found myself angling a way to go over to their homes. Anything to escape my house. I was happiest when surrounded by my friends although I never once told anyone about anything that happened at home as I was too ashamed and recognized at an early age it just wasn't normal.
I had my first drink at age 14. A friend and I had gotten hold of a bottle of red wine and drank it together. I still remember that feeling today, 30 years later: a warm blanket wrapped around me spreading to my extremities and the fuzzy feeling in my mind. Relaxed, yet giddy. I loved it! I didn't drink much during my high school years mostly because I didn't have access to it. But when I did get a hold of it I usually drank to get drunk.
Despite the alcohol free home there was a lot of chaos, some abuse and violence. My parents did not have a happy marriage, were always arguing and threatening divorce. They never did split up but I remember as a child being scared they would. Sitting at the top of the stairs late at night hearing the screaming matches and wondering which parent I would have to live with but mostly wishing I lived in a different family. I don't have that many happy childhood memories. Most center around my father's anger and my fear of him.
I should also add here that my parents were extremely religious and our lives were very church centered. I went along with all this as a child but would turn my back on God as a young adult.
I was on the shy side as a kid, was neither popular or disliked in school. More like a wall flower most people didn't notice. Often I felt awkward, unattractive, less then. But I had a small group of friends and always found myself angling a way to go over to their homes. Anything to escape my house. I was happiest when surrounded by my friends although I never once told anyone about anything that happened at home as I was too ashamed and recognized at an early age it just wasn't normal.
I had my first drink at age 14. A friend and I had gotten hold of a bottle of red wine and drank it together. I still remember that feeling today, 30 years later: a warm blanket wrapped around me spreading to my extremities and the fuzzy feeling in my mind. Relaxed, yet giddy. I loved it! I didn't drink much during my high school years mostly because I didn't have access to it. But when I did get a hold of it I usually drank to get drunk.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
The fellowship
You've all heard it before, "it's not about your drinking, it was your thinking". Today, I so get that statement.
When I first arrived to AA I was seeking a cure, a way to drink without being a slush/slob/vomiting fool.
When I finally got serious and realized that I could no longer drink, I went thru a mourning stage of how much my life would suck (what a pathetic thought, my life totally sucked at that point!) now that I couldn't drink at all.
And when I had resigned to the fact that I could never drink again I accepted it and all the implications of how powerless I was over alcohol and how unmanageable my life was.
My sponsor kept talking to me about "tools for living" and at meetings I heard "practice these principles in all your affairs". In other words I could not just stop drinking but fix other areas of my life. And believe me, besides the drinking, I have all kinds of baggage and issues. It's a cool idea and I want a better life.
What I wasn't expecting was the friendships that I have made thru this program. Acquaintances, maybe. People I could relate to, yes. But now I have genuine, loving, accepting friends. That's my favorite part of AA. My new friends - I really love them!
At the end of my drinking stint I was very isolated socially. Actually the whole 10 years after I got married and moved out of state, I had a problem making new friends. I never felt like I fit in with the women I'd meet at work or thru my kids' schools. It was though they already had enough friends and weren't interested in more. It could have been just me but I've never had a problem making friends in the past.
Anyway, one of the many unexpected benefits of AA for me has been the friendships that I've made. And we do things besides go to meetings which is so great because I needed to learn how to go out and have fun without drinking.
When I first arrived to AA I was seeking a cure, a way to drink without being a slush/slob/vomiting fool.
When I finally got serious and realized that I could no longer drink, I went thru a mourning stage of how much my life would suck (what a pathetic thought, my life totally sucked at that point!) now that I couldn't drink at all.
And when I had resigned to the fact that I could never drink again I accepted it and all the implications of how powerless I was over alcohol and how unmanageable my life was.
My sponsor kept talking to me about "tools for living" and at meetings I heard "practice these principles in all your affairs". In other words I could not just stop drinking but fix other areas of my life. And believe me, besides the drinking, I have all kinds of baggage and issues. It's a cool idea and I want a better life.
What I wasn't expecting was the friendships that I have made thru this program. Acquaintances, maybe. People I could relate to, yes. But now I have genuine, loving, accepting friends. That's my favorite part of AA. My new friends - I really love them!
At the end of my drinking stint I was very isolated socially. Actually the whole 10 years after I got married and moved out of state, I had a problem making new friends. I never felt like I fit in with the women I'd meet at work or thru my kids' schools. It was though they already had enough friends and weren't interested in more. It could have been just me but I've never had a problem making friends in the past.
Anyway, one of the many unexpected benefits of AA for me has been the friendships that I've made. And we do things besides go to meetings which is so great because I needed to learn how to go out and have fun without drinking.
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