Forgiveness

It’s been a busy week and I haven’t had a chance to write anything here. But what a week! I finished Step 4 and did Step 5 last week with my sponsor. And I told her everything. I never thought I would be able to do that. In fact, when I was new in sobriety and first heard about Step 5 and sharing with another person I thought, no way will I ever do that.

My sponsor couldn’t have been more loving and accepting. Her bottom wasn’t as low as mine and she did not do most of the insane things I did but she listened and seemed to understand. Going in, I knew she wouldn’t judge me, because she’s just not like that, but it was difficult to share parts of it with her because I was embarrassed.

I left our meeting learning a few more things about myself. I never considered myself an angry person but with the resentments I have towards a few family members I realize now that I am. I’ve always thought of anger as rage but that is not necessarily so. Mine is a deep, dark indignation that I’ve been holding onto and adding to for most of my life. It sits there inside of me and seethes eating at my soul.

My sponsor told me to pray for these people I hold resentments towards because they too might be sick like I am. It’s hard to do that and even though I’m not sure how sincere I really am about wanting to forgive these people (I’m just being honest here!) I have done as she asked. A brief prayer each day. So far my feelings have not changed but I have heard from others in AA that over time and with prayer I can learn how to forgive.

And because I desperately want to move on from my past and have a good life I am doing what I was told.