When I graduated from high school with mediocre grades and all my close friends were headed off to college I decided to find a job in New York City. Heck no, I would not attend a community college as my parents suggested. We lived outside of New York in a suburb so it was an easy commute. I was lucky to have found a good job considering the only work experience I had was part time retail during high school and a few months as a bank teller.
But it was the mid 80's before the stock market had crashed, the economy was good and Wall Street was hiring.
It didn't take long for me to find the happy hour crowd at the office and Friday evenings were bar hopping around downtown Manhattan and in the South Street Seaport. A lot of places did not ask for ID, and I think wearing a suit and being with older co workers there might have been an assumption that I was of age. I'm not really certain why but it was rarely was I asked for proof of age.
Alcohol was my social lubricant. I was no longer the shy girl no one noticed. It made me feel
prettier, smarter, funnier, more at ease. My friends thought it was funny how I could flirt with men and laughed at my antics. So different than the girl they knew in the office.
In the present day I try not to romanticize drinking because it’s not a type of thinking I can have anymore but those times for me were fun. Yeah I did a lot of stupid things when drunk but I was out in the world, away from my childhood home and actually did do a good job at work.
I worked at the same company for a few years and was offered a promotion if I could pass a test. It was brutal and I had a hard time studying and taking the prep classes needed to pass the exam. The first time I took it I failed by 1 point, the second time was even worse. I think I failed by 10 points. So I gave up and decided to look for a new career. Not that they were going to fire me but I was so disappointed with myself for failing. Little did I know at this time it would only be the start of many jobs to come. And I dumped the boyfriend too, thinking I could do better. Wow, I was arrogant back then.
I was always looking for something better whether it was a new boyfriend, a better job and I am sad to say I even ruined friendships thinking it was time for new ones. I was restless, irritable and discontent.
I have always felt like there was a void in my life, even though I could never verbalize that. One of the first sayings I remember when joining AA was about the hole in the donut. Yes! That has been me for my whole life.
I soon got sick and tired of the commute, my failed career choices, bad choices in men. My drinking wasn't so bad back then but when I drank I drank to get drunk. Smashed, falling down, sometimes puking my guts out drunk.
I met my husband when I was 22 and he was 25. He was the opposite of my stern father. An ex frat boy, football player, life of the party kind of guy. At that time I felt that he was what I needed to feel good about myself. We were married within 14 months of meeting. My father passed away before I go married and while he didn't say much about it I had the feeling he didn't approve of my choice in a husband.
It wasn't a good match for a few reasons. I decided after getting married that the party was over. And without any kind of warning just assuming he would agree with me. It was time to settle down and act like grown ups. I wanted a husband who stayed home in the evening and spent a lot of time with me. I wanted a big house and social status.
But he had other plans and liked to go out after work with his friends and party all weekend. We disagreed on everything from finances to religion to the way to raise our future children.
We did have one child, a daughter, a few years after we married. I was still in my good girl phase and rarely drank. I was disgusted with my husband's out of control drinking so I think that played a big part in me not drinking as much. Besides I could never rely on him to drive as he was always drunk after any kind of social occasion.
8 years into this union I wanted out. I am ashamed to admit what follows next but I need to be honest here. I started acting extra bitchy, distancing myself from him and devising a plan to get a divorce all the while making me look like the good one. He knew something was wrong and would always ask how to repair the damage, begging at times to try and work it out. We tried marriage counseling (it was a sham as I had no desire to work it out). He promised to stop drinking but he couldn't. I had a feeling he was an alcoholic but at that point didn't know much about AA.
Then I had an affair.
He never found out but because things were so chaotic at home and I was uncooperative he filed for divorce. My daughter and I moved out and I continued the affair.
I really thought all of this was ok to do. I justified my actions thinking I had been wronged by marrying an alcoholic, irresponsible man. I deserved better! Boy, talk about selfish.
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