The Insanity Of My Disease

By the summer of 2009 I was a slave to alcohol.  It had complete control over me and I was drunk more then I was sober.

One night after everyone was in bed I noticed all the wine I had purchased the day before was gone. (The boxed kind, cuz I was a classy girl).  How could that happen? I looked at my watch and it was well after 11pm; too late to go to a liquor store.

I was feeling panicked as I always did when I was running low or out of alcohol. Then I remembered there was a six pack of beer hidden in my bedroom closet. I only had to slip into the room quietly, but open the closet door which was only feet away from where my husband slept.

Of course the door had to creak when I opened it. I waited and listened for his steady breathing before I quietly walked across the room and slid opened the closet door. I had to turn on the closet light to see as the hallway light was not enough.

He rolled over towards me and I quickly crouched down on the floor peeking up to see if he was awake. Thinking it was ok I rummaged thru the closet finding the paper bag with the six pack in it. I slipped the bag out and turned around. His eyes were open and he was looking at me. Ut oh.

He rolled over in bed and I quickly left the room wondering if he had seen me or if I had imagined that. No matter, I brought the beer downstairs and opened the first one. I didn‘t care that it was warm.

I don’t recall what happened after that but I’m sure I finished most if not all of them and slept on the sofa that night. I don’t think my husband said anything to me the next morning or it might have been one of the days he searched the house before I woke up and found hidden alcohol. Usually when he did he’d put the bottle on my desk (we both worked out of our house) saying nothing until the kids had left the house. That waiting time was pure agony as I’d pass by my desk and see the bottle waiting for what I knew would end as a screaming match once the kids left and were on the bus.

And on and on went this routine would go for several more months.