Part 5, I've Had Enough

In late Sept of 2009 I found out my husband was having an affair. He was acting different and more secretive than usual so I hacked his email. I shouldn’t have been surprised but I was shocked. I didn’t say anything to him for weeks. I knew there wasn’t much of a marriage left and also there had been a time when we had both openly had sex with other people. This felt different to me though, a betrayal.

What follows is only something an active alcoholic with no lucid thoughts would do. I emailed the other woman’s husband.  Anonymously of course because I thought the other husband would end the affair and my perfect little marriage would be saved.  Really, I thought this was a good idea at the time.

So I send off my anonymous email (it was easy to find out who they were by googling her phone number and where he worked) telling him that his wife was having an affair with (my husband’s full name). Why I ever thought that all three parties (my husband, his girlfriend and her husband) might think it was me that sent the email was baffling to me.

I watched the whole drama unfold in my husband’s email.   Drunk of course.   She told my husband that her husband had gotten a very strange email that mentioned his name and that the two of them were having an affair. The plan was that they were to deny the whole thing.

I guess the other husband wasn’t going to let this go so easily and that evening he called our home. (I guess they have google in his town too).

It was nasty and my husband was furious with me.   Later on he said, “How could you do such a thing and break up their family?” He actually said that (hello…. what about our family?)   And I actually felt guilty about that.

And of course the swinging was brought up and since I had my fun why couldn’t he have his. Huh? Who’s idea was it to start swinging?

A few weeks later my husband made a suicide attempt and spent 3 days in the hospital.  He had a lot of rage when he got out of the hospital and looking back I know I must have been truly awful to live with.  I was constantly drunk and he unable to get me to stop drinking.

In mid October of 2009 I went to a local AA meeting.  I was afraid I was going to die of alcohol poisoning.  I saw what my drinking was doing to my husband.   I could pretend that my children didn't know and while they might have never seen me pick up the bottle my behavior was atrocious.  My body was present, but my mind was not.  I was unproductive at work. The smallest task, like making my children breakfast before school was an enormous undertaking.

The amount of alcohol I was drinking kept increasing.  I couldn’t stop and I kept drinking more and more.  I didn’t vomit anymore so it was staying in my system. Not only was I blacking out, I was passing out.  I shook when I woke up in the morning after having sweated all night long.  Alcohol had taken over every cell in my body, every thought in my head. It consumed me and from the moment I woke up and until I passed out at night my very being revolved around alcohol.   Nothing else mattered.

But at the same time I was petrified that I was going to die of alcohol poisoning.

I sat in the back of the meeting rooms half listening and sometimes drunk.  I wanted to stop but I couldn’t. All I kept hearing after my sobbing shares about what a terrible life I had was, “Keep coming back.”  To be honest, I didn’t like that.  And I sure didn’t think AA was doing enough for me.  Where was the sympathy for what I was going thru?  I wanted them to join my pity party and validate my feelings.

On November 5th of 2009, after my husband found a bottle of 100 proof vodka (and for some reason that was what made him have enough "100 proof! I had no idea it was this bad!")  he handed me a suitcase and changed the locks on the front door.  He told me he was filing for divorce, taking custody of the kids and taking over the business. The gig was up and tomorrow morning I would leave.

The next day I went to a noon time meeting with my suitcase in the back of my car. I had no plan at that point but I was sober.  Possibly my first sober AA meeting.  I cried my eyes out all boo-hoo poor me stuff about how I had been kicked out of my house by my very mean husband and now I'd have to go live in a hotel indefinitely.  I didn't have a sympathetic audience at this inner city meeting.  A place where a lot of people struggled to put food on the table.  I don't think they wanted to hear about the woman who was crying about living in a hotel.

So I checked into the LaQuinta Inn.  No one knew where I was.  I certainly hadn't told my husband although he hadn't asked either.  I hadn't spoken to my mother or my sisters in a week or two.  And at that point I had no friends.

I have since learned that was a dangerous place to detox because I was alone (at the time I was so ignorant about this disease I didn't realize I was detoxing).

Mostly what I remember about those days is crying a lot and watching TV.   I prayed too.  Something I hadn't done in many years.  I was frightened and had never felt so alone. 

By day three I was missing my kids so much and I finally called my mother and told her where I was and that I was an alcoholic. She said, "Yes, I know that".  Wait a minute, she knew?  And I thought I had been so slick at hiding my secret.

Under the advice of my attorney brother in law I returned to the house. My husband let me back in stating that it was just temporary.

I wish I could tell you that we worked it out and we lived happily ever after but that was not to happen. He had already filed for divorce and all my begging and pleading (this is karma, payback, déjà vu just like when my first husband begged me to work out our marriage and I would not) would not change his mind. 

I also wish I could tell you that November 6 2009 was still my sobriety date but that was not to be the case either. On April 15 2010 I broke down and drank. Why? Probably because I was working my own program and not the AA program.  I went to a lot of meetings but had no sponsor, a very small network, and was not working the steps.  Thankfully it was only for one day and now I am glad it happened because it showed me that a drink is just an arm’s length away, that my disease wants me dead, and that I needed to get much more serious about my recovery.

I came to Alcoholics Anonymous to stop drinking but then I heard someone say it's not about my drinking, it's about my thinking. That I understood.

I did not lose custody of my children and I did not lose half ownership of my business. I still work with my ex husband and that can present challenges but for now I am handling that ok.

While I still hold some anger and resentment towards my exhusband I am also thankful that he had me leave our home in November 2009.   I haven't told him yet, but he saved my life.   It was the kick in the pants I needed to get sober.  I'm also glad to be out of that marriage.  I'm starting to see now that it was a very unhealthy relationship for both of us.

Today I have a sponsor who I call often and not because I have to but because I want to.  She is a tremendous amount of support and I will be eternally grateful to her for her kindness and patience and what she is teaching me.   My network of female AA friends has expanded, my sponsor gives me homework and I actually do it and like it, I read the Big Book often, go to a lot of meetings and am working on the steps.

I am learning that there is a merciful and loving God and just maybe he will forgive me for my sins.

I have something I haven't had in years: Hope.

I have something I don't ever think I had: Gratitude.

I know I have a long way to go and that's ok. I am starting to see how good life can be.

I feel free from the bondage of alcohol.